I know I don’t owe anyone explanations or disclaimers. But because the comments and messages I am receiving are getting out of hand I need to add this part for my own sake.
1. If the tone of this post feels negative it is because while yes I love the church (why would I stay in it if I didn’t love a lot about it?? No one is making me stay.. my husband would support me 100% if I wanted to leave. I stay for a reason) because my job is such that I am exposed to SO many opinions, so many people who have access to me and can tell me whatever they want to say, I PERSONALLY, have had a much different experience than a lot of you. I get that a lot of you have grown up in the LDS church with no issues. While so much good came from my experience, there was also a lot I had to work through. I get that a lot of you don’t come across these judgmental and immature people but I do on a daily basis. I think a lot of people assume influencers are exaggerating when we say how bad the messages are that we receive but I am telling you, it is bad. So I am not going to change how I talk about my experience just because you feel hurt that it wasn’t similar to yours? Feel free to share your experiences in the comments.
2. If you feel like this post reflects poorly on the church then I am sorry but this is the truth for me. It bums me out that so many people are more concerned about how the church looks and how they look in response to that – more than they care about hearing the stories of people who have left, are considering leaving, or having questions. Again, we preach missionary work and a big part of that is setting down our ego and listening to the member’s and their concerns… not just bringing NEW people in.
3. I am not doing this to “justify” my life choices so please stop saying that. I am 31 and haven’t worn my garments in YEARS. So what, I took all this time to get justification? No. I never needed it nor do I now. I also am not at all “rehearsing my doubts” (quoting from comments her referencing a conference talk) and I think that particular quote from conference could potentially be very toxic. Why should people not voice their doubts? I think if you are going to voice doubts, don’t only do it with people who will agree, try to also have a different perspective so you can actually seek answers and fresh outlooks but I absolutely disagree that people shouldn’t “rehearse doubts”. I will not blindly follow and not ask questions and voice concerns just because I am told not to.
4. Please do not disrespect the temple garment – the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is only one of many religions that wear religious garments and it is so inappropriate to mock or make fun of any garment worn by any religion. I have talked about my stance on them but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have incredible respect for anyone of any religion who wears these garments that are incredibly special, symbolic, and powerful to them.
5. Like I said in my first church post, I realize that these issues are not at all exclusive to the LDS church.. I realize these issues are in communities and other religions. I can only speak to the religion I know though. This applies across humanity.
6. “but garments represent commitment to the Lord and people can make judgments about your commitment” (quoting from a comment below) let’s say it does.. What I am saying is let people be less “your version of committed” than you and can you be okay with that? They are okay with it. So can they still be a part of the church and you just let them do that and worry about yourself? Commitment is different to everyone and many people are happy with the level of commitment they have to the version of the God they believe in.
7. “why don’t you just leave the church then?” (again quoting from comment section) – and I know so many have asked this respectfully out of genuine curiosity so thank you!!! I don’t have to agree with everything to be a part of something. I could switch religions and even still I wouldn’t agree with everything. I don’t see my only options as, believing everything, follow everything and stay, or have questions and leave. We are going to teach our kids that they can question anything, they can pray and ponder and read and learn and will find answers and it is also possible they won’t and that is okay. It is fine to not know every detail. The goal is to just do what you can to feel God’s love and to feel like a worthy human capable of endless possibilities and worthy of every single good thing in this world. And to show people that same love and view people as worthy and capable humans who are also so loved in the eyes of God.
8. I am absolutely NOT responsible for anyone who decides to not wear their garments or not go to church or whatever after reading this. The people reading this are intelligent and thoughtful humans who will read it and make informed decisions on THEIR own.
9. Lastly, we have a freaking COOL community of members surrounding us and there are sooooo many good, fabulous, inspiring people I look up to in our church. I have felt welcomed and included and loved by so many. I am so grateful to know so many amazing people who have impacted my life in positive ways.
You all had so many amazing questions about the church. I went through and wanted to start answering them but realized as I started typing that my answers for a lot of them were some version of “I don’t know”. There is a lot I don’t know right now but honestly I am cool with that. I am excited to be having questions that are leading to healthy discussions within my family and all of you and together we are figuring it out. Not in a hurry at all. There is so much time to think about these things and figure them out as they come. Currently feeling very at peace with where we are. But that being said I didn’t feel comfortable sharing too much info because honestly I don’t want these posts to be all about my concerns but more about broad cultural changes that honestly NEED to change or so many people will start leaving.
It seems a lot of us are at this inflection point where we have been a part of something, and really dedicated a large part if not all of our lives to this religion… and you become an adult and really start to wonder if a lot of the shame instilled perhaps stemmed from some of the teachings. Of course so many good things came from it too… but you can’t help but start to wonder how you can teach your kids within that church without them having those same shameful feelings. Shame is so huge in the church whether you choose to recognize it or not. The first therapist I went to joked that “she never sees a Mormon come through who doesn’t have issues with shame.” So I guess the question for a lot of us is, how can we make that dramatic cultural shift within the church? Is it possible? If it isn’t then where do you stand? These are all the questions I currently have.
When we moved to New York City we had the coolest ward (except for of course anonymous from my last post, lol). In one Sunday school lesson a guy was teaching and came to a part of the lesson where he shared his concerns with this topic and shared how he didn’t know how he felt about it and if he believed it. Everyone just chatted super candidly and it was the FIRST time in church that I ever heard people talk about concerns out loud as if it wasn’t something to be ashamed of. It was so cool. I want that more. So badly. I desperately just want people to be real and chill and not feel like we all need to have the strongest testimonies and believe everything without a shadow of a doubt. It is not realistic. I want more authenticity and less judgment.
Some members are extremely touchy and defensive when it comes to talking about anything to do with the church’s imperfections. I know I definitely was for years. You will often hear, “you have to separate the culture and the church” and on paper that sounds great and I listened to people telling me that for yeaaars and tried to do that.. but it is impossible to go to church, be a part of the community, serve your community, hold callings, and “separate the culture”… I mean you are literally a part of the culture when you are a part of the church. The lessons you receive from members of that community will make huge impacts on your life. And while it seems we are doing away with the age old analogies of equating girls who do anything sexual with a boy to a piece of chewed up gum and all of those incredibly cringey types of lessons, we still have a long way to go.
I had an experience a while ago that I shared a little bit of on social media but going to share it on here as well since it illustrates exactly what I am talking about. I was looking for an herbalist to see during a time when I felt very out of whack. I had blood tests done to see what I was low in and was hoping an herbalist could help me go over my results and help me find a good routine to get in and get everything back where it needed to be. I was recommended to a woman by a friend. I show up to the appointment wearing an Aje dress (it is a freaking cute dress btw) .. when I sat down it went to about mid thigh. She is sitting cross legged and barefoot on the floor in front of me. I am sitting in her office and towards the end of the appointment she looks at me after looking directly at my legs and this is the exchange we had:
Herbalist: “are you mormon?”
Me: “yes… howcome?”
Herbalist: “are you married?”
Me: “yes..”
Herbalist: “I noticed you aren’t wearing garments..”
Me: “yeah I don’t wear my garments”
Herbalist: “but you were married in the temple were you not? Did you not take covenants with the lord?”
Me: “yeah but I have decided to not wear them”
Herbalist: “wow… what a shame.. you would be so much more blessed if you wore them”
Me: “I am actually very blessed and don’t believe I need to wear them to receive more blessings”
.. she continued to lecture me on why garments are so important to HER and why I should be wearing them. I did the whole “uh huh” thing not caring to even engage with someone who couldn’t possibly even think to stop talking and pause her self righteous rant for a moment to ask why I had decided to not wear them – or even try to see my point of view or what led me to that decision. It could have been an insightful conversation for possibly both of us had she been willing to see my perspective on the matter and drop the holier than thou attitude.
You find this a lot in the church, and in general honestly (myself included sometimes!). Where we don’t stop to just hear someone’s perspective when in a polarizing conversation about the church. We immediately put our guard up and act as if any imperfections within the church are a direct reflection of us and we take it so personally. At least I did for so long. We have come to believe that there is this black and white and anyone in the grey area is sad, not as blessed, and in need of missionary work. It is this very thing that I think drives so many people away. This “feeling sorry” for me because I don’t do religion how you do religion. I would bet that any adult who has made the conscious decision to leave the church or to do the church their way, has done so because it actually improves THEIR life. I truly believe that people in tune with their spirituality have a vibration and light about them that is undeniable – but that spirituality does NOT have to look the same as yours to be special. Just like parents have to parent each child differently, not every religion is going to work for each person – which is why it is so great that there are so many religions and spiritual journeys available to people.
I think it is fascinating that our church is all about family and being Christlike.. Yet sometimes when a family member chooses to leave the church or have a different lifestyle there are strained relationships because of it. How can a family who lives a religion all about family and Christ – end up choosing that religion over family? I just get confused by this because if push came to shove I would choose good relationships with my kids over literally anything. *I know this is not the majority of cases*
Assumptions. I get a lot of them. The “why did you leave the church” or “are you still mormon” questions. I know they are innocent. I just find it interesting that because I don’t wear garments so many assume I have left the church. Above is a comment I got recently that I find interesting for a couple reasons. 1. The assumption that I was the one who “brought down” David.. Why not assume that he brought me down? Or why is one of us even down? Lol. 2. The part that says “he used to be so righteous”… this is SO odd to me. We are a very normal family who shares what I consider to be very wholesome content on social media. 99% of the time we are just chillin as a family sharing good vibes.. Yet somehow they believe we are no longer righteous. What exactly IS righteousness then? Is it gossiping about who is righteous and who is no longer righteous? I mean I guess I really do want to ask you guys what do you see as being righteous?
Ultimately my hope is that everyone just chills out. Deeeep exhale. Like stop wondering if someone is wearing their garments.. A. that is weird B. it literally doesn’t affect you at all?? Stop looking down on people who don’t do your religion how YOU do your religion. Again, that doesn’t affect you at all. Let’s have more honest conversations about difficult topics. Let’s disagree and have insightful, respectful conversations about our disagreements. Let’s take time to see each other’s perspectives and be open to hearing people say “I don’t know about that”. Let’s let people not know everything and normalize that being okay. And let’s also let people not be perfect, make mistakes, and do things differently and still see them as just as worthy and righteous as you or anyone else. After all that is how Christ sees us and isn’t it He who we are doing this all for?
Thank you Amber! I’m LDS, and I wish more would go to church for themselves, not for others. God loves all his children, he knows us. He does not judge us through others judgements but how we choose to live but truly by how we treat others. I think you’re so genuine and kind and you’re an amazing mother and wife. Be you. I’m so sad for all the ugly comments. I’m sorry.
I am not your religion but I APPLAUD you for you being you and doing you and GOOD FOR YOU. I think you’re amazing and inspiring and have a beautiful family.
I feel like this is a major issue in Utah. Or areas with a high concentration of LDS members, who are high up on their horse. (I’ll admit, this would apply to my own mom.. it drives me crazy so I won’t ever be like that!) And I have lived in two other states, and it’s never been an issue of someone questioning me, and lecturing me on their views of how I handled something. But a lot of my family in Utah, it’s a dominant issue. It’s why I refuse to live there.
I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was born and raised and though I have never really had a faith crisis (which I am grateful for) Im the type of person that sees things very black and white. If it’s something you shouldn’t do then you don’t do it and if it’s something you should do then you do it and as I’ve gotten older I have noticed that though things may be black and white for me it isn’t for everyone else. My original thought process was if you follow the church teachings then you will find joy, and though I do believe that there is more to it. I will admit that I was once a “why aren’t they wearing their garments” person and I think that it’s because I have a different testimony in wearing my garments because I had a different personal experience that fostered my testimony. After I realized this it put things in check for me and helped me to stop judging others around me. We all go through different experiences and have our own struggles. Anything gospel related is personal between you and god. I admire your wrestle with religion and sharing it because it has been eye opening to me to see your perspective and how especially your peers from the church have made you feel. I never want to make someone feel shame or hurt and I think it’s good to realize that if you have a stronger testimony in different aspects of the church it’s not going to do any good to someone who may not have a testimony in that aspect if you are forcing it on them and/or causing shame. I am a firm believer that personal experiences and wrestling with god is how you build your own testimonies and understandings of things. I’m sorry that you had bad wards. That is really hard and My heart goes out to you for the hurt that you’ve felt. I know the gospel may not seem perfect at times but I feel that if we could all just show more love, less judgement (because ultimately we are not the judge and boy am I thankful for that because that would be a tough job) , and more understanding for the ebbs and flows in testimony then I feel like it would help others connect with why they come to church in the first place. Thank you for your perspective and I hope you find peace.
Eye opening
Thank You for sharing. Be yourself and keep sharing your light. I love everything about you.
Great post! Proud of your willingness to share on a difficult topic. Deeply deeply encourage you to continue the path of keeping what works for you. Religion is so personal and even those who are “devout” believe their own things. Again – thank you for sharing.
Loved your perspective, very thoughtful. It isn’t a one size fits all kind of thing. A lot of what you say resonates with me. I love a lot of things about the church, but there’s a lot that I don’t love too.
💕💕💕💕 right there with you 💕
I just came across this post and can relate. I have a question for the Mormons reading this. I am a Christian and modesty is important to me. I’m not going to argue with other people’s version of modesty. However I have been somewhat confused when I see Mormon influencers like Rachel Parcell and her sisters and the things they wear . If the body is supposed to be a temple and modesty and undergarments are such big deal in the LDS Church why are these women posting bikini pics on social media and dressing half naked and getting plastic surgery. There just seems to be so much hypocrisy. I also heard Utah had more plastic surgery clinics than L.A. I guess I’m trying to say how can some LDS criticize the Culture yet partake of it and profit from it. I’m not attacking the LDS Church or the influencers I mentioned. I am merely asking questions.
Do it God’s way and go to heaven. Do it man’s way and go to hell. God will never leave us know forsake us. Man on the other hand will most certainly will.
I love reading your perspective on this. Especially from my outside perspective of marrying a former lds member! Honestly what you’ve described in your experiences and beliefs sound more like Nondenominational Christianity just in my opinion (not that it needs a label!). I like how you put your focus on your relationship with God versus the pressures of “checking the boxes” the LDS religion puts on its members in order to achieve salvation. That was something my husband struggled with – it’s almost like perfection was demanded all the time. There’s a book that really helped my husband see the difference between LDS culture from an insiders perspective (author was high up in the church) and helped him to love himself more while strengthening his relationship with God! You may enjoy it too. Reading your two parts on your blog totally reminded me of it because she shares similar feelings you described about the church being accepting and loving (or sometimes lack of it). Beware, the title has “how we left the church” in it, but it’s just how this authors journey unfolded. I too read it after my husband and its in no way bashing the religion which is hard to find in lds books. It’s a great comparison of the man made rules in LDS culture versus seeing the true love of God. It’s called “Unveiling Grace” by Lynn Wilder. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on parts 1 and 2! I really enjoyed hearing your perspective.
Love the pink jeans , top as well as hat. Love the outfit for something not of the norm. I recently got my endowments. @leslikaddin , or fb: Lesli Kaddin Ratto.
So funny that I don’t feel like I’ve ever really related to you before this post haha! Mormonism is a such a funny thing — it’s a group of people – that’s it! perhaps with a closer relationship to God or some uniquely intimate garments and perspectives, but in the end it’s just …. people. And honestly, what can you expect from a group of people? I feel like these days you gotta walk into every situation ready to just dump a ton of forgiveness on everyone for whatever they bring to the table (especially online). Forgiveness– just dump and dole it out all day every day. Especially with mormons, it’s bizarre to me that the crux of the faith and our life’s journey is agency, but mormons don’t often seem to actually respect other people’s decisions. The entire temple ceremony is about agency and the necessity of making decisions and yet it’s this massive sh*tstorm if any mormon ever breaches that and makes their own decisions independently.
The truth I have arrived at is that there are two groups –there are good people and there are good mormons. And there is quite a bit of overlap between the two groups, but they are not the exact same thing. Good mormons are very trustworthy people– obsessed with service and God and wholesome social currency. But good *people* can often be more loving, accepting, and generous.
If I had to choose between being a good person and being a good mormon, I would definitely choose to be a good person. Again they’re not mutually exclusive, but prioritizing the one has been liberating and empowering and I feel like it’s given me a lot more good energy to give the world.
Thanks for your thoughts here! Good vibes!
Shannon
So… I am new to really learning about Mormonism. (And I’m totally a fan who has followed you since like before you got married I think! So I certainly don’t mean to attack you.) But it is horrifying. I apologize, I know that isn’t respectful, but OMG. It breaks my heart that children are still growing up this way. My neighbor is an ex-Mormon, and he is so broken from the abuse he endured. I just feel like someone needs to say it… it IS abuse. The shame you referenced… it’s an abuse mechanism. I think if more people knew about the conditions in *some* Mormon communities there would be a lot of pressure for it it to change. I think the Church is intentionally “private” in this way… the “bubble” you referenced, it is intentional, too. Isolation is a common abuse tactic.
Honestly, even the comments on this post shock me. I had no idea this type of religious fundamentalism was still so prominent in the United States. The idea that a Church dictates underwear is just ludicrous to me! And I was raised Catholic! (lol). Although that’s really just the tip of the iceberg for me. As an outsider, it fully seems like a cult. I understand that cult members usually don’t agree that they are, in fact, cult members; and I don’t expect this to be any different. But there is life, and love, and even GOD! outside of this harmful model.
I know that being raised in this community makes it dear to you, despite disagreeing with so much. You are brave. Thanks for sharing your perspective and I hope you continue to find peace on your own religious journey.
I agree 100%! I also grew up in the Mormon church and now as an adult I am mind blown thinking back to things they teach you and just how it shapes you as a person. I really struggled with finding myself once I was an adult and I think so much of it had to do with the church.
It truly is sad that a lot of the members won’t even question it.
While I am a member of the LDS church and don’t see everything exactly as you do, I can also appreciate that each of us has our own faith journey. I think we should each be more concerned with our OWN relationship with God than we are with anyone else’s. We all have agency and the ability to reason and to search out answers for ourselves. I know this has probably brought you a lot of judgment from people, and I’m sorry for that. We could all do better in remembering that our job is to “love our neighbors” instead of passing judgment on them. All the best to you and you cute little fam!
I love this thanks for your perspectives I agree with you on most of that.
The Mormon belief system and practice is extremely sexist. I don’t know how thinking women can honestly live with and raise females to be second class citizens. Of course it’s not the only religion that requires females to internalize a second class status.
It makes me fill up with so much embarassment that the herbalist felt she could confront you about your garments. What a shameful experience on her end. I have a very nosy and mouthy mother and sister in law. It is absolutely brutal hearing them gossip, and make fun of anyone that isn’t remotely wearing something to their standards. They literally dress their kids like pioneers and mock my 6 year old for wearing cute shorts and a tank top. They also lose their effing shit when I let my beautiful daughter wear some red lipstick or blush. I see so much of myself in my daughter. I loved fashion and beauty as a child and my mother let me embrace it however I wanted. Their daughters are growing up not understanding their bodies or sexuality and its very sad. I am grateful you had the courage to speak out.
I almost posted on your Part I because I just related to sooo much of what you wrote. I’m not one to be vulnerable online even in an anonymous comment like this so I never posted. I hope that you got just as many supportive and positive comments as questioning/negative ones.
I think it’s so cool and brave of you to do it your way…but do it while still in the church? I think it could be easier to just leave and “hide” personal choices i.e. not wearing garments. I’m still working on how to blend those worlds between my questions and personal beliefs about church/religion/culture but valuing the elements that shaped me for the better and I want my children to experience. Just not the “one way or the highway” mentality.
Not wearing garments in front of church people/family has been a journey for sure. It’s so terrifying in front of my Mom that I make sure I’m wearing clothes that you can’t tell anyway (no white t-shirts!).
I love that you don’t view it as having to believe everything to be in. I do think this would be a positive general mindset for the better. All the best x
I’m so grateful for people like you that are willing to open up about these things while still being respectful to others and true to yourself. I feel seen and like others are saying in the comments the fact that you can express disagreements with the church and still find truth and light in it (and stay!) encourages me to do the same despite everything. I’d love to hear more on these topics from you. Much love! <3
Sounds like someone hasn’t really read the Book of Mormon. It talks about people like you. Those who want to do what is pleasing unto themselves and to the world. Gods way will always be more difficult and less common. You are so fake.
I’m a convert to the church and literally just had the chewed gum conversation with my son yesterday. He was saying how awful he thought that was and how it completely left the Savior and the atonement out of the equation. I walk with a woman who acts so self righteous and we get into arguments all the time, but no one hears these conversations. Hearing your story gives me courage to speak up and say something when I see these hurtful comments being made. A lot does need to change and it is being said from the top down, but people don’t want to listen, and to be honest it’s scary to go against the herd. Sharon Eubanks brought a woman to Women’s Conference with her that was queer and the young women’s President. I literally wanted to shout for joy…..You keep asking questions Amber and remember this entire dispensation was opened with a question. Your questions are what will dispel these hurtful controlling attitudes that exist in the church.
Lol are you the one who asking about her garments? 🤪
Clearly you haven’t read the Book of Mormon. Judge not lest ye be judged, Love one another. U feel sad for you that you’ve clearly “missed the boat”
I had the thought – we talk a lot about life being a “test.”
Many seem to be stuck on the mentality that it must be a multiple choice test where you have to be exactly on the mark to win your grade… But what if it’s really just a single essay on how life went for you, if you were able to find joy and/or help others find joy? If you could find God in the details and was it worth the experience? (Like sacrificing financially to take the vacation of a lifetime and then thinking, “wow! I’m really glad I pulled the trigger!! That changed my life). If that were the case, how would our cultural interactions differ? Some essays might be about traditional motherhood, some might be about empowering our fellow women, or how amazing nature is or how to find joy in trials. That’s the beauty of the thing!! We’re all different; we’re all meant to get something different out of life! We’re not complex enough to ALL learn ALL of those lessons in one short life.
I’ve found myself in the middle of a lot of conversations like this lately and I really, really thank you for being willing to be vulnerable and sharing so candidly! Having the conversation is monumentally helpful for me and I’m sure so many others!! Thank you! 💞
Amber you are so brave. I’m not religious but I found your words so admirable and insightful. This is such great advice to apply in all facets of our lives. Thank you for being you and sharing.
As a member who grew up in the church, belonged to and were active in multiple different wards around the world, married in the temple, but with lots of unanswered questions and just can’t get myself to wear my garments, I feel like I can really relate. People are so judgmental regarding this, when in fact it is no ones business, it’s between you and the Lord. Thank you for shedding light on this topic and sharing your experience. Great posts!
What a wonderful post. As someone on the outside who grew up in a very Mormon area, I appreciate your call for reducing judgment! One thing I have always wondered about people who take this more individual/personal approach, what do y’all think about tithing? My understanding is that it is required for members to donate to a common LDS church fund. Yes, your beliefs and actions are your own, but you donate to an organization which uses that money to support anti-LGBTQ policies. I have at times struggled with this in my own church (not LDS and thankfully become more progressive in the last 15 years), so curious.
(whoops just realized responding to a post from *last* month – oh well)
Amber thank you for sharing your story of releasing shame and working out your faith in your religion. I’ve been deconstructing my own upbringing in the evangelical Christian Church but also not leaving it..:yet. My goal is to see the church grow and become more like Christ. My husband and I are choosing to raise our children very similarly to you and David. I applaud you for all the work you’re doing and even more for sharing it on a public platform. I know that this is vulnerable and scary. Stay true to yourself you are on the right path. PS I met you once acouple years ago at the flower fields in Carlsbad when Frankie was a little baby. I offered to take your photo with David and Frankie and you said it’s OK we have enough 🤣❤️.
Authentic, sincere & not alone.
You should have told your herbalist how inappropriate it is to be discussing your underwear at her place of business. She obviously has no boundaries.
Hello Amber, to be honest I had absolutely no idea that you were part of the Mormon Community. I have been following you for years now on Instagram, and the Church/Beliefs part hasn’t been important to me, as I believe that this is actually something private and everyone is allowed to do what they want.
After reading your two posts about Church, I have to comment it. I have to say that I just stayed with the following impression in my mind: wow, this women is so intelligent!
The fact that you are able to choose the “best”sides of what you have been taught, and not apply everything blindly without thinking, proves to me that you are a very intelligent and open-minded person. Also living with the critics that you go trough every day must not be easy and I feel really sorry for people who have nothing better to do that criticize the way other people are living.
So thank you for sharing a little bit about your education and background, it helps to understand you and who you are a little bit better. I didn’t have so far any information about the Mormon, but I’m pleased to say know that I have learned something, and I would say exactly so, no matter if you were Jew, Muslim, atheist or whatsoever.
Greetings from France 🙂
I really admire that you’re able to stay. I so wish I could have figured out all the details and nuances like you have because there really is a lot of good in the church and leaving is so hard. For me, at least for now, it is all just too heavy and I had to leave.
Excellent. Thoughtful and relevant.
I reallllly admire you as a mother and wife and human. I love your free natured style, parenting values, and the way you have your own thoughts and follow your version of what makes you & your family happy.
when it comes to the Mormon church, it is something I wasnt exposured to growing up in the area I did (baptized Catholic, raised Christian but my mom was never ever pushy with church and let us go or not, decide what we want to follow or not) & I’ve always felt in my heart that there is one loving God who accepts ALL. whether they swear, drink, do drugs, sleep with the same/opposite/or both sexes, whether they walk around barely dressed, fully clothed… no loving God would judge people on such stupid shit. I think people use separate religions to more so find a playbook on how to live so to speak, to take the decision away from themselves & have a system to follow. I can’t imagine being born into a strict church- that would have really influenced my thinking. when I moved to Arizona in high school, I was first exposed to the LDS religion & I do think it’s beautiful how one group honors family and doing work for the world but I can’t help but think of all the power you’d have if you didn’t have to listen to these hypocrical, imperfect people who judge you out of pure jealousy, personal feelings of inadequacy, whatever it may be. I am a mother of 2 children and I cannot imagine dealing with random adults worrying about what undergarments I’m wearing. that is so fucking strange & creepy. nor can I imagine having to explain myself on the internet or worse… at a random appointment you made? that is so unprofessional & gross. imagine if doctors did that.
you are so so strong & I think, to me, when I look at LDS- I very much get a culty vibe, because “you have to do it like this or else we will push you out and judge you” is not at all loving or Godly, but I genuinely see that in all religions. that doesn’t mean I don’t admire all of the good values it holds.
basically…. I just admire you as a human & think you’re amazing! don’t ever stop speaking out!
Can I get an amen!!!!!!!!! Agree agree agree.
Thank you so much for sharing this!! Honestly thank you!! My thoughts EXACTLY! I’m a member of the church who is going through a faith crisis, I would Say a lot of it is the Mormon culture here in Utah and the shaming, judging etc. I appreciate you being real, thank you again!
I’m really sorry you have been bullied like this Amber. It doesn’t matter who you are (even influencers) this is not right. It’s just so mean. I hope some of those people read your post and pause next time they feel the need to attack you or anyone else with judgement. I think it’s good to shed light on this kind of nastiness. We all need to mind our own business. As a member I think God is less concerned with rigid conformity and blind obedience; and much more interested in the love and kindness we extend to everyone we come in contact with….even those online.
Hi Amber 💛 Just wanted to tell you I support you making your own decisions about garments, church, all of it. I wear my garments but I have seen so many people I love be judged or ostracized for not wearing theirs. That is not the point of church or garments and it is definitely not how to be like the Savior, which as you said is the point. It has really changed how I view a person’s decision to wear them or not—it is their own decision. It is totally weird to think so much about other people’s underwear choices. Sort of a mote in your eye vs a beam in mine issue. Just wanted you to know.
I love all of this and I think it’s so important that you are still in the church because you can help shift perceptions. Personally, I don’t think much will change in a bottom up approach, which is why I left. Top down would be more affective, but it may be years, decades before we see that. I love watching you and your family. You are badass in so many ways, and you are living your truth. You have also bucked the “mother/wife” role that we were indoctrinated with and I freaking love that. Amen to your entire post!
Amber, hi! My name is Olga and i’ve been following you for 5 years now. I am from Russia and it is seems like another side of everything:) Another religion, culture etc. But i FEEL you. Your soul is amazing. I really want to kiss your thoughts 😂 You are open minded, soulful and very righteous:) Everything else is husk. For me, the inner state is always more important than who wears what. Honestly i read you with a yandex translator. This is a long way, but i am so happy to do this.
Go your own way! It’s so beautiful. Your family is my own inspiration 🤍
At the core of your comment, it’s true, each person will choose a different path in life, and whatever path they choose is fine in the sense that people are encouraged to find meaning and happiness. One of the foundational principles of the LDS church is that of personal freedom and the ability to choose for oneself.
Unfortunately once you move past that idea, it begins to break down. The question most people have to answer is: Is there really a God? The answer to that fundamental question either leads one down a path of faith or the lack of faith. But if there is a God, who is He, She, or It? Can God be every definition created by every religion around the world? Of course not. To suggest that Vishnu, Allah, Elohim, Buddha, and every other concept of God is true and accurate is impossible. God can only be who God is, and the concepts of God that are opposite in nature can’t necessarily all be true. Furthermore, what God requires or expects of His children (if you believe God requires anything of you at all), wouldn’t in principle be different from what He expects or requires from others (i.e. some people need to be baptized, some people don’t, it’s okay for some to have 4 wives, but not for others, etc. etc. etc.)
There’s no real need to continue to conversation further than that, since we’d be arguing beliefs, but I can only speak from the perspective of who I know God to be, and if I stray from that understanding to appease everyone’s concept of God and “Truth” they claim, it would be cheating myself and disingenuous.
At the end of the day, I give everyone the same freedom I reserve for myself, and that is to worship God according to what I feel is truth, and I can only speak from that perspective. I don’t judge or look down on others for believing how they will (unless their beliefs encroach on the rights of others), but I’m unable to separate my opinions from that perspective unless I am to betray my own faith to please someone else.
So sad to see the devil dividing us by religion still, this is nothing knew though but the good news, Jesus Christ broke those chains at Calvary! Praise God! 🙌🏻 THERE IS ONE ONE BOOK TO READ TO GET ALL THE ANSWERS YOU’LL EVER NEED AND THE BOOK IS THE HOLY BIBLE. Let go of all religions and grab hold to Jesus Christ!
Actually the Book of Mormon is more accurate. No need to use all caps as well. It makes you seem overly eager. Thank you and have a nice day.
The Book of Mormon has been disproven time and time again by historians. It has no map and no real artifacts from when it was started. I’m always so puzzled by people who are so easily deceived. Do people within the Mormon religion not actually do any research on Joseph Smith? Many teaching of your religion are contradictions of the Bible. If Mormons believe in Christ, how can you believe in teachings that are inconsistent with the Bible? I’m aware so much if it is a status thing and indoctrination, so I’d imagine it’d be hard to look outside of your teachings but it is mind blowing to me that so many just don’t even look at how your church started. The true Christ came to Earth to save us of our sins not because of anything I did or ever could do. That is grace, never ending love. I am made perfect through Christ alone. If one denies Christ of the Bible would that not be denying Christ of The Book of Mormon? Isn’t that just an ‘addition’ to the Bible to you guys? I’m genuinely curious how this logic goes.
I absolutely love how you have been opening yourself up for beautiful conversations. I appreciate your vulnerability, and while I don’t have any direct comments to this post, I just appreciate what you’re doing. Thank you!
I’m 18 and I’ve been reading your blogs for years. While you’ve always had cute and enjoyable content, I really love that you’ve been using your personal experiences recently to help people reflect on their own lives. I think it’s really cool that your choosing to your platform this way and I really appreciate it 🙂
I have been a member of the LDS church my whole life, I appreciate you being willing to talk about the hard parts of the LDS culture that are not often talked about. I agree with so many of these. Especially the shame part (although I do believe that shame in some forms, plays a healthy role in motivating us to change for the better).
I think it’s important to point out that a lot of the things you discuss ARE indeed a culture issue, not a “Church” issue. At its core the gospel teaches us to follow Christ and to live a life like He did and follow the path He has sacrificed His life to give, so we can return back to our Heavenly Father and experience eternal blessings.
I can understand the difficulty with not wanting to wear garments as part of walking down that path – it’s something personally I’ve had a hard time with as well. Why would Heavenly Father care about what I wear? As I’ve thought about this, I really think garments are just meant to “encourage” us to dress modestly. Why do we need to dress modestly? I think it’s so we don’t draw too much attention to our bodies and take away from other aspects of ourselves. I honestly don’t know if I even have a full answer for this. That’s just the best answer I can think of! haha
I do believe we should celebrate our bodies and we are meant to feel comfortable in our own skin, but I also think we don’t need to show off every part of our body to people other than our spouse. Doesn’t mean I’m perfectly modest all the time or that I always wear my garments when I should…but it’s one of those gospel things I have to exercise faith in even if I don’t fully understand it. You talk about having faith in your post too about other parts of our religion even if you don’t know the answer to something. I think the same could be applied to garment wearing.
I do think a lot of your concerns have to do with imperfect people misinterpreting gospel truths or trying too hard to live the letter of the law, not the spirit of the law (families disowning children who don’t follow the church – I came from a family where this happened. It’s not right). But it’s a PEOPLE issue, not a CHURCH issue. I think it’s really important not to confuse the two or else it does shake your faith when instead it should simply be alerting us to not repeat that same behavior we see in other members that aren’t acting Christ like.
I will say, it didn’t seem right when you said “Not every religion is going to work for each person – which is why it is so great that there are so many religions and spiritual journeys available to people. ” Yes there are other religions that have a portion of Christ’s light and gospel, but if you’re a member of the Church you know that this is the fullness of the gospel restored, which means we strive to invite ALL people to join a religion that will give them that fullness. Doesn’t mean people can’t receive that later on perhaps in the next life, but I think that is a bit misleading because it makes it sound like the Church isn’t for everyone, when in reality it is. It just might not be for everyone who isn’t willing to follow some of the commandments. haha
Anyway, overall I appreciated your thoughts. People need to focus on their own spiritual journey, not someone else’s. Simple as that!
Hi Camille:
I read your comment and disagree with your statement that “in reality” the COJCOLDS is for everyone, but some people might not belong just because they “[aren’t] willing to follow some of the commandments.” That is making an assumption about a whole lot of people (really, the vast majority of the population). I am not a member of the COJCOLDS, because I do not believe the stories/words found in the Book of Mormon are true. For me, it’s not about the commandments but rather about the teachings of the church and their dissonance with historical fact-finding (among other things).
I believe God loves each of God’s children more than we can ever comprehend. In my opinion, it is alarming to suggest there is one church that is the only right or true church. I believe God loves me and does not require me to subscribe to only one specific church.
All that to say, Amber: I love and appreciate your sentiment that spirituality can look different from person to person. Thank you for your open-mindedness.
And Camille, I respect your commitment to your church but ask that you would please be careful in generalizing why others, including me, choose not to be members of the church you have chosen (or that your parents initially chose for you, as you mention you have belonged to the COJCOLDS for your whole life). God loves us no matter what church (if any) we choose to attend.
At the core of your comment, it’s true, each person will choose a different path in life, and whatever path they choose is fine in the sense that people are encouraged to find meaning and happiness. One of the foundational principles of the LDS church is that of personal freedom and the ability to choose for oneself.
Unfortunately once you move past that idea, it begins to break down. The question most people have to answer is: Is there really a God? The answer to that fundamental question either leads one down a path of faith or the lack of faith. But if there is a God, who is He, She, or It? Can God be every definition created by every religion around the world? Of course not. To suggest that Vishnu, Allah, Elohim, Buddha, and every other concept of God is true and accurate is impossible. God can only be who God is, and the concepts of God that are opposite in nature can’t necessarily all be true. Furthermore, what God requires or expects of His children (if you believe God requires anything of you at all), wouldn’t in principle be different from what He expects or requires from others (i.e. some people need to be baptized, some people don’t, it’s okay for some to have 4 wives, but not for others, etc. etc. etc.)
There’s no real need to continue to conversation further than that, since we’d be arguing beliefs, but I can only speak from the perspective of who I know God to be, and if I stray from that understanding to appease everyone’s concept of God and “Truth” they claim, it would be cheating myself and disingenuous.
At the end of the day, I give everyone the same freedom I reserve for myself, and that is to worship God according to what I feel is truth, and I can only speak from that perspective. I don’t judge or look down on others for believing how they will (unless their beliefs encroach on the rights of others), but I’m unable to separate my opinions from that perspective unless I am to betray my own faith to please someone else.
I’m really happy to see you living the way you want to live and have spirituality. I only know what you post and I wouldn’t pretend to know more but you seem like a good person that cares about other people, the whole community around you and your environment and there is no piece of clothing you could wear that would make you a better or worse person. I don’t care how committed to any god, religion etc a person is. I care how they would treat everyone in the world and that’s how I measure “goodness”.
Good for you.
Amaaaaaaazing!! Bravoooo!! You are so eloquent, reasonable and amazingly smart!! Wonderful and really inspiring to see somebody so insightful, wise and hands down brilliant with also youth and beauty to spare!!! You go girl!! BRAVO!!
I find it so fascinating and heartbreaking as someone who has no faith. Of course, I absolutely respect religions. To me, when I read your posts about the whole garment situation it just….. baffles me a little bit. Not the part of why it’s worn but more so the fact that so many Mormons really look down and think negatively of you or others who choose not to wear them.
To me it’s like….. ok, sounds good, no garments. 😎 but then to hear how others perceive you and very openly express their belittling opinions is just so sad. Sad that they hold such judgement and hate in their hearts for someone doing something different. I don’t understand why these grown adults can’t just accept it and move on.
I like that this post opened a good (for the most part! There are still those disrespectful comments.) dialogue among people with various backgrounds. I would be interested in seeing a post of what you love about the Gospel and the culture of the members. 🙂
I do believe we all live in a grey world, meaning we’re not perfect but human, however we can choose to strive to be as close to Him and build our relationship with Him which in turn will bring a lot of light into this grey world of ours. Keep striving to do your best! Thank you for being so candid. 🙂
The overall message of this post is great. People need to stop judging. I am LDS and continue to wear garments, but whether you do or not is not my concern and also doesn’t affect my day. You are still a good person! There have been multiple conference talks about avoiding judging others. I remember they even referenced this same topic regarding garments at one point. You do you! Way to be brave and put this out there!
Well said! I’m not sure why people feel the need to judge or feel like shaming someone will make them change their ways.
However, one thing didn’t resonate with me because I am living it. My husband and I both went into our marriage with the same level of commitment and core beliefs…and he has strayed from that. And it is HARD because, while I love him, I’m honestly not sure I would have married him if I had known I would be going this alone because it is really important to me. Even the most important thing to me.
I’m sure David loves and supports you but I’m sure he has his hard with this as well.
One thing I know is that Chris meets us where we’re at and I have to believe that is enough. Anyway, I’m sending your family much love.
I’m so sorry I totally feel you on this and totally understand where you are coming from. I think where this differs is that just because David hadn’t shared his thoughts it doesn’t mean he doesn’t agree with me or that he has a hard time. He actually agrees with everything. In fact he read this post and texted me to tell me how much he loved it and is proud of me. I think people like to assume there is a rift in our relationship because of this but there isn’t in the slightest. I can 100% see how there could be had our outlooks not evolved together but this has been a slow evolution over the years that didn’t happen all at once and we really evolved together – it wasn’t one of us pushing the other or influencing the other. Sending love.
Amber, it is refreshing to read how you and David support each other as you go through your growth experiences as individuals (and as a couple). That’s a beautiful thing! It’s easy to see how you lift each other up. Talk about blessed 🙂
I am not LDS but am fascinated by the conversation you’ve started here and am so grateful to read about your feelings and experiences with your spirituality. Thank you for being honest and sharing your wisdom about religion and life in general. You are a strong woman and clearly a fantastic role model to your kids. You have a supporter in me!!
Hi Amber!
I’ve been following you for 7 years. I’ve loved watching your adorable kids grow up. I also love doing hair and traveling. I love beautiful things, and I think you live a beautiful life. I’m not sure you’ll actually read this because you have such a following, but I feel good putting this out here in the world.
I consider myself to be a faithful member of the church, and have personally struggled to know how to be more Christlike towards everyone! Although I would NEVER openly judge someone for how they choose to live there lives, I have found my thoughts being inclined to judge. As I’ve grown and seen so many people be hurt by shame filled comments, I’ve felt so bad that I’ve even projected those negative thoughts towards others in my mind. I think the reason why members of the church concern themselves with the intimate details of other people’s lives is because they want what they feel is their plan of happiness to be others plan of happiness. But I truly have a testimony that God has more than one plan for His children. There isn’t just one way to have happiness! I’ve since stopped shaming people in my head, and have felt a tremendous burden lifted. I think more members need to be taught that it is not our responsibility to walk people down their path of salvation. Isn’t that called judging? Pretty sure God is the only one who should do that. And He’s the only one who truly knows our hearts. It’s not necessary to identify ways people are “sinning” and “fix” them so they can receive exaltation. I’m sure you’ve heard all this from others… but I really resonated with how you felt. I’m sorry for the shame filled messages people have sent your way. You have always emanated love and dedication to your family. Thanks for sharing your experiences!
Thank you for sharing this Amber! I feel it was very insightful and thoughtful. I think the judgement around garments is honestly so weird and nosey, and I wish people would mind their own business, and calm down! It’s a personal thing between you and the lord. All others can buzz off!
I was raised LDS and couldn’t agree more with the above…a truly honest and insightful post. (The chewing gum analogy still haunts me today…the point you raise about shame is so true!) Thank you Amber x
Thank you Amber for your thoughtful and vulnerable words. What a brave thing to do, to put yourself on display.
As a fellow LDS mama who thinks in grey, I applaud the way you live your life. Religion is so personal and ultimately between you and your God. And I dare say you’ve used your “influence” as a “missionary moment.” (I can hear the stone throwers gasp!) Being an example of Christ comes in many ways, you have shown others His light by being you and showing your light. You can see just by reading the comments below that you’ve facilitated a discussion and provoked thoughts into all different religions, nationalities, genders, etc. So keep letting your light shine and don’t let those stone throwers make you hide it.
Why do churches provide panties? That’s so alarming and creepy.
I can’t help but weep reading this. There’s so much conversation about garments, temple, culture, doing church, needing missionary work etc etc. I’m not LDS, I am Christian however. And in my daily practice, it is only about loving Christ with my full heart. Having daily exchanges with him in the gospels, steadying my heart upon His heart. There is no religion involved at all. And I think that what you’re expressing seems to be that you long to love Jesus and love your family and do away with the foolish games of the culture and religiosity of LDS. I would love to befriend you in your journey and be a support to you if you’re looking for one. Jesus just longs to be loved with a pure love. I feel so happy that you’re finding dissatisfaction in anything else.
I have never been to church, other then to see what it was like at Christmas with a friend once.. and I loved reading both of your posts , I find it insightful, and very inline with things others have said. Being a non religious person that literally knows nothing about any religion but not wanting to offend when asking questions to learn these are great!
I am just genuinely curious if you are still able to go to the temple if you’ve chosen not to wear the garment?
Thank you for sharing this. I am not someone who others would consider outwardly religious, partially because I don’t want to feel the weird competition I felt when I was a more prominent member of my church. Your words are so powerful and I honestly am really disappointed by some of the things people have said about your experience. It’s upsetting that people feel the need to bring others down to make them feel closer to god. Don’t they realize that it doesn’t work that way? Anyones religious journey is so personal, and you’re so brave for being so vulnerable and sharing your experience. I hope that your posts can help to enact the change we need to see in these communities. Thank you for your bravery, thank you for not just deleting this post forever, and thank you for continuing this conversation.
Garments suck and WE ALL KNOW IT!!!!! You guys reading this can all do what you want, but funky underwear does NOT make me feel closer to Christ. In any way. At all. Not even a little bit.
Not even for a minute.
Thanks for shedding light on “grey area” Mormons, Amber. xo
Agree 100%!!!!!
All good stuff Amber. Excellent writer and clear to understand. I love the rebranding of your blog !! Hope you will write more of your life experiences to share!
Love, Tara-
an inactive LDS convert living in San Fran who loves skiing, mountains, and iced coffee. The LDS church healed me from a devastating loss, and I still have a strong testimony of the church. I tried my best to wear the garments too.
I really appreciate your thoughts on this! I respect you a lot. I have many thoughts from this but one I wanted to share is that I have to disagree about not being able to separate gospel and culture. I would say that nearly every issue or problem is because of culture, or an individual who is from a culture. I personally believe strongly that people (like pretty much everyone) just cannot fully understand or appreciate just how different each culture in the world is. They are all so different. Some of your experiences shared, while sadly they happen to so many others, it hasn’t happened where I am from. People aren’t like that. The teachings of church were taught by people from a difference culture and weren’t presented in the cringey and shameful ways you have mentioned. Obviously these things can happen in more than one culture but I’m just saying that they absolutely should be separated. It’s culture or individuals that decide to disown family members if they leave the church or something. That literally isn’t the gospel teachings so if people decide to disown people they aren’t living the gospel. They have been mind twisted to believing that’s what they should do. Gospel is separate from church culture and community culture.
Anyway these are just some thoughts. Thanks again for sharing.
Curious then if the gospel is separate from the culture why has the LDS church openly stated that they do not support gay marriage? Why has the LDS church openly come out saying that children with gay parents are not allowed to be baptized? While I can understand that the LDS church is extremely different depending on what state you live in, the practices and teachings are still the same, whether it’s written into the gospel or not, important leaders in the church have still said hurtful and exclusive things to MANY people.
Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your thoughts!
Just to clarify, I meant culture drastically changes between countries. But it does also change within them too, I just was thinking of the more stark contrasts in the world-wide culture.
For me personally I separate church/culture from the gospel. Within culture is generational cultures too, so for example, where I am from, the elderly generation are known as more racist than the younger generation. We are more accepting of all regardless of who they are, where they are from, etc. Of course there are sadly still racists but as a whole that is the general consensus here. The elderly generation were brought up so differently than this generation and I don’t think we can fully understand what that’s like. But my point is that their culture at the time was different to now and so has led to them having different beliefs and opinions and experiences etc. — I want to make sure you do not think I am giving an excuse for anyone being racist, I strongly strongly disagree with any unkindness of any person.
For me, the gospel is Jesus Christ and what he taught, of loving God and every person and not judging and being kind and repenting and trying to be better each day etc. I don’t recall reading in the Bible or Book of Mormon that Jesus talks about the Gay community. I try my best to love all people.
The church is run by people like you and I. I think as members believe that God leads and guides the church and that the prophet can receive revelation, confusion is then created in thinking that the church must be perfect. And I feel that how can the church be perfect if it is run by people who are just trying to do their best?
I view the gospel, Christ’s teachings, as perfect. I therefore make the distinction between the two- church/culture and gospel.
As there are imperfections with the church as I said, I do not feel that I should leave it because of some things I disagree with over so many things I do agree with (as Amber said in her post). Ultimately it is up to each individual to focus on improving themselves to be kind and loving to all, to research a balance of sources and opinions, to pray and rely on your relationship with God that he wants the best for you so trust that and trust yourself to make the right decision for you.
Hope this explains my thoughts more clearly.
If it is people who decide to disown individuals who aren’t living the gospel, why has the LDS church openly stated that they do not support gay marriage nor do they allow children with gay parents to be baptized? It seems a bit ignorant to ignore what leaders of the LDS church have publicly spoken on and assume it has nothing to do with the gospel rather it’s the culture when these are the people that members across the globe are listening to. As Amber mentioned in her post the cultural and the teachings go hand in hand. People would not believe such things UNLESS their prophet was telling them so. Just genuinely curious how you can separate the two when they are so clearly entangled. I don’t mean any disrespect I would just love to hear your thoughts on this.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Please read my reply to the comment above for some of my response to these questions. Especially why I separate church/culture from the gospel.
I think that each person is an individual and I think people try to look for simple answers that can be explained in one conversation. However, I think that people are extremely complicated and there are so many explanations for each action taken by a person.
Overall, it is each person’s own responsibility to do their best. And that looks different for everyone and it always will. Which is why we should not be judging each other.
I disagree that people would not believe things unless their prophet told them so. I strongly disagree with that. My beliefs are founded in my relationship with God. If the prophet changed his mind on things tomorrow it simply would not affect me. I might consider his opinions/beliefs as I consider yours. But it would not change the fact that I believe in God and Jesus Christ and in being kind and considerate, and in bettering myself through saying sorry and trying again etc. None of those things would change based on what someone else said. Listening does not mean believing.
But as I said, please read my previous comment reply as to how I can separate culture/church and the gospel.
Thanks for reading my thoughts again, hope it’s clear.
you articulated this all so well. thank you for using your platform to share these very important thoughts—i hope some will be open-minded enough to listen to your words. it makes me sad to hear all the judgment you have encountered but makes me so happy to see you have gained such a confidence, understanding & light as you’ve loved yourself & decided your own needs through this whole journey. you are incredible!!
You’re amazing Amber!!!! You don’t have to wear the f***** garments if you don’t want too. God will bless you abundantly and already has!!! Stop listening or paying attention to these trolls! Peace, love & blessings
No judgement, I guess as a rule follower personality I have a hard time understanding why someone goes through with or takes on a covenant they aren’t intending to keep or lies to go in the first place(not you). Just asking no judgement. I feel like again as a rule follower, for example: you sign up for college and attend but don’t go for any of the tests or only a few you choose. What is expected at the end? I have friends who have left the church. I was active as a child but my parents weren’t crazy with it. I was kind of wild settled down and now am active and endowed. I try not to be overboard and I agree with shame and kids. I teach my kids sex is appropriate when both parties agree and are ready hopefully after high school but I don’t push they have to be married. I think sex or lack there of causes so much marital problems and sometimes I think it’s because the first and only partner is after marriage. Just trying our best. When people ask why no coffee or alcohol I just explain it isn’t healthy and mostly I feel it is just asking for the willingness to not do something because commanded that way. Willing to abstain shows faithfulness and integrity. I feel the same about garments. Even when it’s hot in AZ and some of the cutest clothes can’t be worn lol! Thought?
Here are my honest thoughts about this! It is different now because I believe they have since released information about what happens in the temple and have shown the temple garments etc. and have discussed what they mean. BUT when I got married it was so SO secretive. NO ONE even told me what I would be wearing or what David would be wearing.. and it’s strange because I would ask my friends who had been through the temple they would tell me they were told not to tell and it’s something sacred that shouldn’t be talked about. Again, things have changed and I think they realized that people deserve to know a bit more about an ETERNAL decision they are about to make. But truthfully I felt like I didn’t even understand what would happen in the temple? I was just always “strongly encouraged” to have a temple marriage. This may hurt some people to hear but when I tried on my temple dress (I did know what this would look like but I didn’t know all the other stuff .. the apron thing and the hats and all that) I bawled. Nothing felt right about it to me. And I knew without a doubt that I wanted to marry David, I knew that very clearly. But I also honestly in my gut just felt like I was about to do something everyone wanted me to do but didn’t feel like it was my decision (again the temple part, not David). I was so young. I just felt like this is what we both have to do and it didn’t feel at all like I had any other option. Everyone would have been so disappointed in us and being so young that made me just shove all the feelings down and do what I felt I needed to. Of course now that I am older I see clearly how I should have gone about it. But ya know it’s hard when you’re so young and don’t know much about the temple anyway because no one tells you (at the time). So I guess my frustrations lie in these black and white decisions we place on kids where they feel they have no other option but to do it. Which is why you do see problems later on – all those feelings I shoved done eventually came to the surface as it does for so many. Or they will go “unworthy” like you said because again lying is a better option than disappointing family and peers which then creates DEEP shame and bad habits of creating totally out of whack priorities and habits in life. I just want my kids to know they can be themselves whatever that means – it is so freeing and such a happy place to just be your authentic self and not feel you are living life to not disappoint people.
Long winded answer. I have so many thoughts about this I could go on and on.
Excuse all the errors I typed this on my phone!
I agree, there should be more clarity on what’s expected of you before you make such a life-altering decision. Can you share what the outfit would look like (you mentioned an apron and hats)? I tried to find an image online but could not. Wondering why the church would hide wedding attire and not allow nonmembers to attend a Mormon wedding? Like when a religion is hiding something, especially something as significant as details on wedding ceremonies, that gives me pause.
I really appreciate you being open about your journey in the lds church. I think it’s important that someone with a platform like yours can be an example to others who may feel that they don’t fit into the perfect mold of what their religion looks like! To me, you are a shining example of maintaining faith in God and goodness of heart despite struggles and doubts. And if reading your experience influences anyone to live their own faith differently, I would assume it is only in a way that feels more peaceful and acceptable to them! So I think it’s great. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻.
wowwww. this is absolutely amazing👏🏼 i’ve felt so much of this growing up in religion & took a major step back for the past 12+ years because of it. basically had to relearn what religion/spirit meant to ME, not what I was told to believe. finally am coming around to the idea again
I love this. When can people in the church stop worrying about other members underwear?!! So strange!
***ROUND OF APPLAUSE OVERRR HEREEEE****
So proud of you and love you more for sharing this. It’s incredibly important for members and non members to talk about these things and share their personal experiences. I LOVE the gospel, can’t stand the culture sometimes. I too haven’t worn my garments in years and so many people just assumed that I was suddenly Satan because of it. Don’t even get me started on the modesty aspect. If our bodies are truly temples then we should be taught and encouraged to love them and nurture them and expressed that in any way that we choose. We were trusted with our bodies and any limitations on what we can or can’t wear just does more damage in the long run. I hate that I’m considered inactive when in fact, I’m quite the opposite. I’m active in repenting, I’m active in teaching my children the gospel, I’m active in prayer and service etc. Why am I considered inactive just because of my personal underwear choice? Makes me crazy. My husband and I were both sealed in the temple and while I am considered less active on paper we both agree that we will raise our children in an accepting and loving household with less of the shame guilt and judgment we were both raised with, most of it unintentional. We refuse to teach her children it is the only way to find true happiness in this life and love the idea of it being their choice with no pressure from us either way. Experiences like this are important. I know that you are constantly under judgment and scrutiny so I thank you for sharing regardless. I genuinely believe we are all going to get up to heaven and heavenly father is going to wrap his arms around us and say “that was really tough, good job “and not even give two shits about the small stuff.
Your children, especially your little girls will be blessed by your example to express yourself how you choose & to be raised in a home where their mother confidently express her fashion styles as she pleases. So much love
I love this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly. As someone who left the church after they tried to convince me to stay in an abusive marriage (very black & white thinking) I find your perspective so refreshing.
I still believe in light, love, and a higher power that connects us all but personally find taking every word of the Bible literally a bit outdated. I don’t hate or judge anyone who is religious – it’s just not for me anymore and not having to go to church and ‘play the part’ has felt so freeing.
I think it’s amazing that you’re teaching your kids to question and have an open perspective. My prev church community was very strict and conservative and I definitely was not encouraged to disagree or question things growing up. I now have a strained relationship with my parents since leaving the church because they can’t see things from another point of view. I guess we all grow up and have our own lenses of the world… some just change and evolve more than others.
Thank you again for being vulnerable and sharing something so ‘controversial’
Thank you so much for sharing. 💖 Love, love your thoughts. Especially “ I want more authenticity and less judgment.” That really resonated with me.
Beautifully said! Thank you for your candor, thank you for making all of us feeling these same things feel like we aren’t the only ones. I love nothing more than a good, insightful conversation that challenges my beliefs and feelings, because isn’t that where the real growth of a human being happens?
I wish that very thing for Mormonism, I would have both feet in, no questions asked if an environment existed within the church where we could sit in Sunday school and challenge the way our neighbors thinks with love and respect, with the understanding that while we have the right to feel exactly the way we do, the person sitting next to us does as well!
Hi Amber! I am not even Mormon but I really appreciated this post. It speaks universal- because I am a Christian and feel this could be about anything, not necessarily garments.
I am a loooong time follower and I just appreciate these thoughtful, open, insightful and true to you posts.
It’s been nice getting to know you again!
I too share the same feelings about the church and don’t agree with everything. A friend in the church once told me you can’t make change from the outside so that’s why I stay. I think these discussions and questions are so extremely important if we expect things to change. The hypocrisy within the church is by and large the worst of it but it speaks more about the judgmental members than anyone else. Keep your voice strong Amber!
As someone who isn’t a member of the LDS church, Amber makes me interested and intrigued in the church. She projects light, love, and non-judgment. She makes the LDS church seem more approachable to an outsider like me. The mean and critical comments from some members of the LDS faith are a huge turn off. If there were more Ambers in the LDS church, I think people would be more interested in joining. I wish the judgmental members could understand that THEY are the ones making their church look bad, not Amber. Thank you Amber for your vulnerability ❤️
Boom mic drop! ❤️🎤👊🏽🙌🏼
I just want to say- I can’t imagine the energy that this can potentially take from you to post this and go through responses and deal with everyone’s opinions. I’m sure there’s a lot of good in it too, obviously. I really appreciate the time and the sharing that goes into this. The people in the church I admire most, and I perceive to be most righteous I guess, are those who can tell me exactly why they believe what they do (even if it’s emotion/feeling based) and who show me in how they treat everyone and particularly their families. It’s a person who will always prioritize those relationships and has built their spirituality on a strong foundation- and sometimes foundations are even stronger when they’ve been built on doubts and questions. Let’s all work together to support each other on the good foundations we’re all trying to build <3
This is a really really great post. Thank you for sharing. I no longer am a part of the evangelical church because of my experiences with the culture and people, but I still struggle to name what it is that makes me feel so connected to the earth and others. It’s also so interesting that you stay with LDS even with its strict rules, because I, too, feel more connected and in alignment with my catholic roots than I do the kind of weird cult-y nondenominational thing a lot of churches have going on. Sometimes the traditions feel like home when the people never seem to do wherever you go.
I feel like people dont understand how remarks like your Herbalist could drive someone away from the Church, not closer. As a Christian myself, I belive as long as you belive in some kind of God or higher power that is a compass for you to do good, that’s all that matters. My very religious family would say that because I think other people are allowed to belive what they want or in a different God, or no God, that I am not a true Christian (we have had this argument) I just feel like it’s so personal, and your relationship with God is the only thing that matters. No one can tell you about that relationship bc it’s yours! No one can judge how another choses to worship. You are a bright light! Great post, you are the only blogger who I actually read the posts!
very well put and relatable to more than you probably think. if more people like you were in the church i could tolerate the culture but it’s not worth it for me! thanks for sharing xx
Love the honesty! Had a hard experience with a christian church I spent 10 years at… had to walk away from the toxic behaviours and control and not one of my friends supported me. Hardest, scariest, loneliest thing I have ever done! There is definitely a need for accepting differences in churches and but I believe we will get there. Also dont know if you have posted before but how did you and david meet? I think you compliment each other wonderfully and love how supportive you are of each other.
Completely mortified by the immense pressure and harsh judgement from your own peers in the LDS community. I read the post before and after the disclaimers. Why all these people message you with ugliness and cast doubt on you, as a person, as an individual, as a HUMAN is beyond my comprehension. No two people will have the same experience in anything. It seems (as a complete outsider, I have never heard of these undergarments of which you speak) instead of offering LOVE and UNDERSTANDING they shun you. You are sharing your own thoughts, I did not see your post as casting a shadow or talking bad about your religion. Seems some folks’ undergarments are in a wad. (Sorry, I had to say it!) Sending you love and light because that is what you are to me!
This is the problem with religion. We are all going to hell in someone else’s religion. Love you Amner
This is awesome.
This echoed a lot of my same thoughts and experiences. I grew up in the church and served a mission and even went to school at BYU the college tied to the LDS church. For years I felt like I was being forced into a mold I could not align with, and finally I decided to follow my heart and it has been very freeing. I still love the teachings and agree with most things on the spiritual side, but the culture caused me a lot of trauma and issues that I am still healing from today. I think every individual person has their own path to follow and whatever that looks like for that person needs to be free of judgement. Pure Christlike love.
Your “church experiences part 1 & 2” are a DEEP EXHALE. Thank you Amber for putting yourself out there again…I feel your the ‘sacrificial lamb’ here for others that are suffering through similar experiences. Sharing your thoughts and feelings, you have given so much comfort to so many! Letting us know WE are OK and NORMAL, WE are LOVED and ACCEPTABLE…we no longer should be carrying this generational (Mormon) shame & guilt that has been instilled in us for being completely human. Amazing post yet again. I hope you never stay silent…you are helping more people than you could ever imagine.
Lately I’ve been trying to get outside of myself and listen and talk with people who’s experiences may have been different than my own. A quote I really like is “listen to understand, not to respond.” Understanding people and where they come from is a powerful tool and breeds so much empathy and love. I believe that the world is full of all types of wonderful people who are trying to do good things in the world. We are all on our own paths of discipleship trying to be more like Jesus Christ. And the church needs all kinds of people because we all have something to offer!
Thank you for this! As a practicing Catholic who is divorced and uses birth control (both of which are frowned upon by the Catholic Church), it’s very difficult to escape the judgement of others. I will never understand the compulsion of some people to actively disparage the choices of others when it has literally no impact on their lives. Everyone is allowed the freedom to choose how they practice their religion and, as long as it doesn’t infringe on the rights of someone else, it should be solely between them and God. Beyond that, kindness, respect and personal responsibility are the only things I care that anyone practices.
Amber, I’ve been following you on Instagram for over 6 years now and while I’m not a member of any church(I’m a Hindu by birth) or even religious for that matter, I FREAKING love this post and everything you stand for. All religions have these issues and all of them must be split open to have conversations that fuel our growth and joy. That is their very purpose, nothing else even comes close. I’m sorry you’re getting comments and DMs that are hurtful but know that you’re 1000000% correct in and justified in how you’re approaching your religion and I wish more people were like you. Keep slaying queen, you’re amazing!
This post is amazing amber! Thank you for putting yourself out there because you honestly took my feelings and wrote it into perfect words! With being Catholic I have always struggled with all their “rules” and call them sacrifices and their “our way our the highway” mentality. I just feel like it’s a toxic environment and just pushes me away from my relationship with Christ. Wish my parents would understand that I need to find Christ in a way that’s different from them because quite frankly… I’m not them and the traditional way of Catholicism is not a one size fits all! Religion shouldn’t be about “our way our the highway” but YOUR way of finding YOUR relationship with Christ in a way that’s healthy and leads you and your loved ones to heaven ❤️ Thanks Amber for being an inspiration for me!
Great post Amber! It’s so refreshing to read someone living their relationship with God so personally, and taking out the ‘noise’ that sometimes comes from the organised religion part of it.
To those saying that her words speak negatively of the LDS church, I didn’t read it that way, I didn’t come away thinking that at all. Ultimately people are people, and I think people of any religion (or none!) will see similarities in the people Amber describes in their lives. People in general find it hard to live and let live, and I think if I were someone who wanted to become Mormon, or even already was, I wouldn’t feel that this would make me turn away.
After all, I think ultimately people are in a religion because of what they believe about God, not necessarily because of the other imperfect humans within that religion.
I’m not LDS myself, I’m actually a non-religious lesbian haha but I grew up in a massively Mormon area with a lot of that influence – and as much as I know people can be judgemental, the people I knew/know are actually very kind, open and lovely.
You are so incredibly brave and thoughtful. I grew up in the LDS church and I knew from a very young age that the religion wasn’t for me. I’m currently married with kids and live in CT and to this day we don’t practice any religion. We feel we are a very spiritual family teaching love and kindness and embrace everyone we know for who they are. Thank you for sharing your experience with us all. Sending love and strength to your family. 💗
Dear followers of Amber. Many of you think God prefers we drink man made high fructose corn syrup out of a can we call Coca-cola over a bean from the rainforest we call Coffee. I think it’s safe to assume given this logic you also believe there’s nothing wrong with a corporation taking 10% of your income and marketing to you sacred underwear that will protect you.
It’s okay to be a sheep. Amber is not a sheep. That’s why she has 1.3 million followers, many of which are sheep like you. Nothing wrong with being a sheep. But sheep who get out of line get eaten by wolves. Stay with the herd. You’ll be safer there, unless you realize you’re not a sheep.
Another analogy for those of you who don’t like sheep. You are a kite. You require a string to fly. Amber requires no string. She is a bird. Stop putting a string on the bird. It doesn’t work. Let her fly.
Love the bird and kite analogy.
You beautiful human. This is brave and true and most will crusify you for it. Forgive them, they know not what they are doing.
Love this post Amber! Thank you for using your platform to create awareness. Changes in the church are so long overdue. LDS culture was very toxic for me and I am no longer believing, but still very tied to the community. Today, I live authentically, happier, and in peace— honoring others who are still Mormon while holding boundaries for those who misjudge me✌🏻
I’m Mormon and was an early-morning seminary teacher several years ago. I only had to teach once a week or so, even though I had to be there every day. I mention this because the lessons I was teaching weren’t similar just because they were the chapters in order, these were many different chapters in different books of the scriptures. About 4 of the lessons I studied and then taught, in a row over about a month, were about groups of people who elevated themselves above others based on self-imposed “higher laws”… very specific things like what to eat, do, wear etc. Every time, God rebuked them hard and basically told them they were LOWER than the people they were looking down on, because of these self-righteous ridiculous “laws”. That really hit home for me because I had been having a lot of questions and doubts about the very specific dos and don’ts we have in the church. I’m a logical person and can see no logical reasoning behind some of them, including wearing garments.
I love the church so much and am still active, but decided after those repeated “coincidental” lessons that it’s more important to focus on the core of the gospel. Because it’s truly beautiful. All the other stuff is nice, but not necessary. 🙂 Thanks for this post Amber, I really appreciate you talking about this stuff. Judgment of others and blind obedience really is a problem among MANY religions and we need to have these conversations to change Mormonism for the better!
Amber, it makes me so sad that you had to repost with disclaimers nearly as long as your original post! I read some of the critical comments and had to step away; I can’t fathom actually being on the receiving end. I have followed you for years and I love that you are sharing doubts, experiences, and perspective on “controversial” topics. You are one of the few “influencers” I still follow because I’m inspired by you as a business woman, a mom, and as another woman my age. It makes me sad that people missed a major point of your post which was that people shouldn’t be hypocritical or judgmental towards others for their choices, yet that’s the exact sentiment projected on you. Please know that for every horrific comment or DM, there 10 times more positive, supportive followers like me that just aren’t vocal. Perhaps we need to be. I’m glad you reposted and didn’t delete. That takes continuous and conscious strength.
These is exactly how I feel! I started following amber when she moved to nyc. She is the only blogger from that time I still follow because she is genuine, a great mom and a beautiful soul. I am so sorry to see people be just cruel to others on social media. If you don’t like something please keep scrolling. Why comment, why be hurtful.
Thank you so much for being authentic and so kind. Your vibe of compassion and perspective to this topic is grately needed in the universe.
XO
Thank you for your honesty and speaking about what so many people don’t have the courage to!!!
I’m saying this with the utmost respect to any religion, but honestly once you leave the bubble of your community, start traveling, meeting new people and experiencing different cultures and perspectives, you start realising that a lot of the things you’ve been taught and you’ve practiced your whole life just..don’t make sense? Like, I understand why some people find garments important but you honestly can’t judge someone who feels they serve no purpose in deepening their relationship with God. If you keep an open mind and disentagle yourself from dogmatic opinions, you really realise that so many ‘traditions’ in church are useless, outdated or hypocritical. And if they’re important to you, fine! As long as it’s something that you’ve consciously decided and not just accepted because you were told it makes you a better Mormon or a better person
Thanks for posting this, Amber. It takes so much courage to be open and honest in what appears to be a very toxic and judgmental community. I’m sure there are lotssss of young Mormons who feel the same way you do and it’s unfortunate that other members attack you so viscously for being honest. I really wonder what your church will look like in a generation of this is how members treat one another—it’s sad. Wish you all the best on your journey.
A really insightful post and interesing to me personally as someone living in a country with a very dominant religious majority and not the best separation of church and state – similar to how I imagine Arizona to be. I believe it takes a lot of courage to start questioning things that you’ve taken for granted all of your life, as well as to get over the need to be universally liked when you start having tough conversations. I don’t get why anyone would invalidate your experiences just because they’re not objective enough to step back and realise that such things are indeed happening. I feel like devout members of churches can be so blind to a lot of things and deliberately ignore anything that challenges that ‘status quo’. Someone’s faith is not determined by how blindly and without question they accept whatever they’re told, but rather by how strong their inner beliefs are. If you feel like your faith is challenged by a blogpost, then your faith isn’t strong enough to begin with.
Spot on about not having I agree to every single thing to have your religion. I think that’s on those people in particulars parents to be honest. You’re doing the right thing.
Hi Amber,
Thanks for your insight. I am a Christian, born Catholic. I have struggled greatly with the rules of faith, set by people within religion. I agree with many others in that Jesus feared and disliked religion.
I go to church every Sunday and I am so very close with God. I feel God all around me all the time. I see him in my children and I love to praise Him. But I live in the middle. I’ve never found a church or religion that aligns with all of my beliefs. I used to fear that I was a cherry picker; that I choose to believe in what I want. But I know so deeply in my heart that His love, magnitude, justice, power, and reach is beyond books written by men. There are endless paths to Providence. God lives within us all. I think many have found God in the shrines of their Hindu Gods, in communion, in cries to Allah. God is within them all. And I do believe in Jesus as the son of God. But I know that God is embedded in all people and all practices. We all find Him in difference streams leading to His ocean.
I live in the middle. Im also very “spiritual”. There’s so much we will never understand. But I know you can feel His presence and his love.. I can see it in your gratitude. 💗
I think religion has messed us all up. I was scared I was going to Hell for … like ever. Haha Keep lookin up and within. And keep on lovin’ others. That’s all Jesus, God, and the spirit wants.
Love, a fan from Chandler
Yes!!! Love this. I too know that my relationship with God is a personal one and that he sees my heart and loves me so deeply. He’s my father, my protector, my creator. No rule at any church will come between that. My husband plays professional baseball so that has me and my kids church hopping 8 months out of the year. I like different things about them all. But I believe the Bible, that Jesus is my savior and I have a relationship with him… that’s the foundation and the eternal requirements by God, nothing else! I agree there’s so much we will never understand. And that’s ok!
Such a vulnerable post. I am proud and respect you for your courageousness. What a role model for your children and all of your followers. Thank you for sharing!
While I don’t know you personally, your kindness and excitement for life exudes from what I get to see and read. I hope you continue to share your raw and real thoughts. You inspire me and I’m sure so many others to genuinely be themselves in all places. Thanks for your words, I look forward to your next blog post. XOXO
Amber. I know this post was so hard for you to share but I cannot thank you enough. I agree with you 1000000000% and agree this gray area needs to be more normalized!!! My jaw dropped a couple times at what people think is ok to say and do. Thank you for being brave.
It makes me really sad that some people feel the need to put others down. I am personally not really religious, but I appreciate the courage it must have taken to post this, and the helplessness you must feel when receiving thise negative comments just because you do things your way, which is completely normal, and good!! I am sending you and your family virtual good vibes, and wishing you all just keep doing you❤
I love this. I love the idea of open conversations and respectful disagreements. I love that you mentioned how Christ would be equally as loving to someone who does their religion differently as He is to someone that practices traditional religion. There is so much gray of what humans do not know- and there is a too much of a push to see things as black and white. Thank you for sharing.
Hey, I’ve never been on your Instagram or blog before but someone told me about this post so I came over to check it out. THANK YOU for using your platform for this! I know personally how hard it is to share these things, but thank you for opening up so more people can let go of some of the shame around making choices for themselves even if they don’t fit the mold that has been pushed on us since we were born. The way that so many LDS members react so defensively is a reflection of them, not you. It still baffles me that my neighbors judge my “righteousness” and how good of a person I am by how long my shorts are or if we have the same underwear. Dudes, pretty sure you’re the ones Jesus was talking about when he said judge not. Drives me nuts. You gained a follower!
Thanks for opening up!
Believing in God is not about garments, read bible , pray and be blessed ❤️
I hope you feel tremendously proud of yourself for the courage and authenticity it took to post what was clearly controversial to many in your social circle, religion, etc. Your commitment to raising your children without introducing additional shame and guilt shines through your words and actions. I’m not religious but I have the utmost respect for anyone curious enough to question the accepted norms around them, discard what doesn’t work for their unique and individual soul, and embrace what lights them up. I have never commented on any of your posts in the past but I couldn’t let this one pass without sharing how inspiring I find your bravery. Keep on keepin’ on — others will always have an opinion, you do what works for you and your family! Big hug.
Couldn’t agree more! I’m sorry you are getting such a hard time about this post. I’m also an active member of the LDS church, also don’t believe things have to be black and white, and also have found a way to carve my own path. I worship God alone – the church is just the vehicle I choose to do so. I grew up in an inactive family surrounded by members and also had many, many, MANY, extremely hurtful judgments and opinions and just because some people haven’t experienced that (thankfully!!!!) MANY of us have. Talking about it isn’t about spreading negativity – it’s about collectively changing and growing to be more loving and compassionate. Thank you for speaking up!
Great post
Thanks for sharing Amber! Thanks for being so open and honest. It’s so weird to see so many members talk about sin in the comments like judgment isn’t a sin?? I’ll add them to my prayers I guess 😅 Don’t let it work you up too much!! ❤️
Hey Amber, thanks for posting your true self and be super transparent about where you are on your journey. I think that’s very brave of you. Here’s just something I’ve been thinking about after reading your disclaimer.. I think the reason most Mormons do not want to hear doubts is because they are afraid of people turning away. The fact that they’re afraid goes to show that even they aren’t confident that their religion is the “true church” that they say they are. I see so many Mormons posting “the church is true” and leaving it there. Sometimes I wonder if that’s what they really think 🤔 I think every Mormon should do an in depth research on the foundation of Mormonism and pray about what they find. Just shoving that under the rug and not bothering to look at it can be dangerous. I’m personally a Catholic (not trying to convert but sharing my POV) and wow am I grateful I am. I’ve learned soo much about the foundation of the Catholic Church leading all the way back to Christ. The history is so rich, and so traditional to the way Jesus lead his disciples. The Catholic Church encourages their parishioners to read about the Church history. Yes there is scandal in the Church, but that doesn’t reflect the Church and its beliefs. The scandal is only the reflection of those who have been deceived and tempted by evil. Mormonism is founded by Joseph Smith, Catholicism is founded by Jesus Christ 2000 years ago. Amber, I would love to hear your view on Joseph Smith!
I love everything about this! I hope you will keep sharing, because people need to hear this.
I could not agree more with everything you said! Amen amen amen!!
So much respect to you for opening up and sharing your heart. It’s a really complicated place to navigate. As someone who stayed in that “middle” zone for so long and eventually left for my own mental health and for my family, it would have been much easier if I had just stayed quiet and stayed in. The road is so, so bumpy sometimes. Thank you for your thoughtfulness.
Amber, you are such a ray of sunshine. Wishing you so much joy and happiness! xo
Nice article
As a member of the church I am very grateful for this perspective that I relate to so much. Thank you for your bravery and honesty, you don’t owe us anything. Giving visibility to people who don’t “fit in the box” does wonders in bringing in inclusivity which is something we need a lot more of within the church <3 Love this and you Amber.
LOVE this post & the one before it!! I’d like to say you are Brave for sharing your experiences, but you shouldn’t have to be “brave” to ask questions, especially about something you’ve spent a lot of your life voluntarily participating in. Keep it up!!
This post is so important. It’s OKAY to be in the middle. I don’t get why that’s such a strange idea for some people. It hurts my heart to think about the pressure so many members feel to be a 100% perfect believer or not a believer at all. Life is about moderation, why does it have to be one extreme or the other. You touched on some very important stuff. A lot of principles in the church are really cool and I super love the family focus. But also some things don’t make sense to me or I don’t agree with them and that’s okay too. We’re all just trying to figure out life together. Don’t need to tear others down for thinking a different way than us. Respecting each other and encouraging others is way more fun anyway.
Amazing post! Coming from a fundamentalist Mormons, we created a community based of Mormon belief. Our community is really great though. There’s lots of religions, big families and we are really United . Polygamy isn’t practiced anymore and there’s not really a church anymore. I think through a lot of hardship ppl came to realize the what really matters. Although there is some judgment in some ppl. I think overall most ppl are like you. You are confident and know who you are as a person so if anybody else tells you something it doesn’t matter. As a community we’ve been through a lot, and when I mean a lot you couldn’t even imagine. But when you go through this, I think you end up forgetting all the stuff that doesn’t matter and realize that family, love and friendship is truly all the matters. Being there for one another. I really hope the best for you. Your family is the cutest and thank you for speaking up.
Great write up, Amber. I’m happy to see people like you finding their groove in their belief system and thinking for themselves. It’s interesting to me that the hateful comments are all coming from other Mormons and the kinder comments are often coming from non-believers. Amber is simply a person bravely sharing her growth journey and hasn’t harmed anyone. Let’s show her some compassion. She’s being a kickass mom to her kids and fixing the religious shame and trauma that she grew up in.
I think it’s the worthiness standards our church puts on wearing garments that is the problem. If it was a completely free will choice of wearing garments bc a person wants to or it makes them feel closer to God then great. The problem I have is a church telling someone they are not worthy or are breaking a commandment or not “living up to covenants” for choosing to not wear garments. I think that is spiritual abuse and harmful. I think it’s ok for people to call out harmful systems, it doesn’t mean they’re being disrespectful to people and their individual choices- people wrongfully conflate the two.
Just want to say thank you for the Church posts. It’s needed for many to not feel so alone. There are many issues with the church that need to be talked about whether others like it or not. I know it’s hard to be so misunderstood ( I hate feeling misunderstood too). Just know you have a lot of support and love and it means a lot that you put yourself in such a vulnerable place to get these conversations more out there. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for any of it! I see you. xx
What’s this feeling? Am I… triggered??? Lol- This story brought up a lot of feelings for me as a #PostMormon person. I felt both: 1. wanting to cheer on people doing things their own way by listening to their intuition & conscience, & 2. Flustered that if “I’m ask to sacrifice comfort & authenticity to be considered “worthy” then why aren’t you?” (Yikes) I don’t actually mean Amber, but “you” meaning a person making their own path in a system built on blind obedience. Like if I were in the military & saw someone wearing their own uniform, part of me would’ve thought: “wait, that goes against our collective identity!!!” instead of being happy they are happy. Maybe it’s because so much of what was asked of me came from a place of “ignore how you feel & be obedient”/ “doing the right thing is HARD” / “suffering can be a sign of righteous living”… I’m glad to have this reminder what a blessing it is to feel guided by your feelings & how listening to your gut is so important. Thanks Amb! Thoughtful & inspiring as always
Good for you. I’m from a family of Muslims, Jewish people, Christians, atheists, and Buddhists. So much of what you post is universal. Personally, I’ve always been skeptical of the “business” side of religion. In my experience, the Buddhists seem the happiest. Lol! Shame is not a thing there.
Your journey is your own. Walk confidently. Thanks for sharing. Best wishes.
Amazing post! I love that you are willing to put yourself out there to have real talk. If more of us did that I think we would find a lot more common ground and understanding. Thank you!!
Living a true and authentic life is the way to live. The church is full of “well meaning” judging members. It’s sea of amazing people who have sadly been led far astray. I know because I was one for MANY years. Finding the truth and my way out was the best and most freeing thing for our family. We now truly know Christ and are at peace knowing it is done and we will ALL be together. ❤
I’m changing my name cause I am still new to where I’m at and haven’t told many friends but I recently left the church and I can relate to so much of this and think this cultural shift and letting go of the shame culture is so so needed! It is one of the things that made me feel icky about the church and led me away. I look up to you and your bravery sharing your feelings on this subject as I know it is a polarizing one. It’s not right and totally weird that “garment checking” is a thing! it’s UNDERWEAR!!
Thank you for openly and courageously voicing these questions. During this really intense season, where everyone seems to be going through all different kinds of crises that are leading us to deeper reflection of how we feel called to live, I keep thinking back to JESUS. What did he teach, what did he say? Vs what have I been TOLD that he taught and said by the cultural institution of the church (I’m an evangelical Christian). He constantly spends time with sinners and the least of these and rebukes and questions the institution, it’s teachers and leaders, and its man-made rules. Jesus’s yoke is easy; His burden is light. Aren’t we all in deep need of lighter burdens in the church? Thanks for reflecting that in your post.
All I want to say is THANK YOU! You have no idea what it means to see your strength in taking on these topics. Appreciate you, Amber. 💗
Hey guess what you freaking ROCK and I know you don’t need validation from me or anyone for the experiences and feelings you’ve expressed here, but I’m giving it anyway. People will spend time shitting on everything these days, excuse my language, and this will certainly be no different. But I’m incredibly proud and even though you have a million other people following too, you have a forever follower in me. I’ve unfollowed every single other “influencer” on Instagram except for you. And it’s because of stuff like this. I know how hard it is to put yourself out there and open yourself up to the crap you’ll inevitably get, and I applaud you a billion times over for it. You don’t owe anyone absolutely anything, but you’re out here making it easier for people, who may be in the same difficult position you have been in, to get through their days and figure out how to best live out their religious/spiritual/personal/moral beliefs. It’s incredibly admirable. Xoxo
I relate to this so much! I left the church early in my 20’s. Especially when my husband and I started our little family. We both decided that we weren’t going to preach any form of religion to our children so they would have have freedom to choose when they are old enough to understand and rationalize beliefs. We also made the conscious decision that we wanted our children to do good and be good humans not because of a possible reward in the afterlife but just because it’s the right way to be. I still of course love and respect my extended family and their choice to remain in the church and hope that they understand my choice as well, although I do still receive alot of guilt evoking comments from my grandparents.
Thank you for being brave enough to post this and create a space for an often difficult discussion. Love you and your fam!
Amen. It’s sad to see people being disrespectful but if you really believe what you’re preaching, just continue doing what makes you happy, let others do the same, and don’t turn to the internet for justification or to speak this way about such sacred things. And like you said, they may not be sacred to you but shouldn’t it just be between you and the Lord like you said?
Discussions and learning are good things, but there are more appropriate settings and places for them. I truly do wish you the best and all the happiness for you and your fam!!
Serious question – what do you consider an appropriate setting to discuss an issue like this? It seems any open and honest discussion not exactly in line with Mormon “values” is considered inappropriate to many in the church. So, again, what is considered appropriate?
Again, I am all about having discussions and learning from each other. However, on the internet to the following that she has, where most people probably know nothing about our church, the temple, garments, etc. Is not the setting I think is best. To me, the posts don’t show the church or the members in a positive light by any means. And it can be frustrating that by some posts online, so many people will have such a negative view of the church or it’s members, which i think is wrong. I’ve read some of the comments about what people think about the garments they’ve never heard of, or how could our church make us wear these, how all members are judgemental people, etc. And I’m sorry but I don’t believe that is true. So I guess
I don’t know what the best setting is but I think all the correct context needs to be presented because it’s unfair to the church and everyone trying their best to be loving and accepting, to also be judged by posts like this. I don’t know if that makes any sense and I really hope it doesn’t come off offensive. I hope amber and her family the best! I really hope she feels love and I REALLY hope people can stop being so mean and judgmental and just love as Christ loved 🙂
It’s on the person reading it to make informed decisions and not take one blog post as their new, complete understanding of the church of which they are unfamiliar. Don’t put that responsibility on Amber. If you don’t think it’s an appropriate place, then that’s on you. If you stumbled across this same post made by a blogger with zero followers, would have posted the same comment? Probably not. It’s not fair to want to silence her because of her success due to your personal frustration with possible negative perceptions. Isn’t that in itself trying to make her feel *gasps* shame for posting it in the first place?
For what it’s worth, I didn’t know what garments were, but I understood the context surrounding Amber’s experience to know and understand that they are incredibly important to people. Do I personally agree with garments? Eh no, but do I now think negatively about the church or the Mormon religion? Nope, not at all. I’m not commenting out of offense, but to highlight that not everyone feels the way you think they will feel about the church and it’s specific practices. Final point, while you are right the tone is quite negative, basic inferencing allows me to conclude that because the speaker (Amber) chooses to stay in the church despite negative experiences, there must be many positive elements, thus the church as a whole cannot and should not be viewed in a negative manner. This, again, emphasizes the reader’s responsibility to draw conclusions and not cherry pick the details that fit their personal agenda or emotions.
It makes me sad that myself and others who have presented their differing views and opinions while still offering love and kindness to Amber are now being shamed or told we are shaming her? Of course I was not trying to do that.
Yes! I am curious as well, this would be another great post!
This is insanely well written. Thanks Amber this is what people needed to hear
I agree that more open, honest, and vulnerable dialogue is healthy and motivating for all. Though, I am sad that the overall feel of this post reflects negatively on the Church of Jesus Christ and its teachings. For anyone who is unfamiliar with the church I’m sure they would be very turned off by the church after reading this – believing all members are judgmental and think quite highly of their righteousness. I am a member and love what the church has to offer, yes the members, including myself, have imperfections. I just hope people don’t take away so much negativity from the church of Jesus Christ after reading. Sending you love! 🙂
This comment is everything! So spot on!
Totally agree with this! Churchofjesuschrist.org is a great resource for people interested in understanding more about my religion.
I wonder how you justify the ingrained racism in Mormonism? Like it’s a great message that we should be able to do religion however we choose, but this church’s foundation is built off “dark skinned” people being cursed and “light skinned” people being the righteous ones. This isn’t meant to be accusatory, I’m genuinely curious how you rectify that in your mind.
https://youtu.be/_3ajMLIHJ2c
This video answers this question exactly! It’s from Dwayne Waydes personal stylist.
Best!
This is what I want to know: how do people actually justify that blatant racism in the Book of Mormon and the fact that Brigham Young was intensely racist? I watched the video that Cassie posted here and just because “God loves everyone” doesn’t change the fact that the BOM clearly states that Black people are cursed. Amber’s posts about the church are centered around garments (which, who cares, she wants to wear cute clothes and garments do not allow for most styles) but I’m curious to what she thinks about these real issues within church doctrine and history. Like the Book of Abraham scam, Joseph Smith’s dodgy life and marrying a 14 year old girl, Black people not getting the priesthood until 1978 (like WHAT).
Don’t get me wrong, I think there are lots of good things about the church and I love many LDS people. But most are too intimidated to discuss these issues because it’s pretty hard to justify it.
That breaks my heart. I’m so sorry. I’m a current member and don’t even know how I feel about this. I’m so sorry :(((
Our prophets latest gen conf warned about this in reference to spiritual doctrine you struggle with ‘Stop increasing your doubts by rehearsing them with other doubters.’ You might feel validated or vindicated in choosing to break covenants in hearing other people commenting doubts about the same things, and maybe that was the point of this post, but I’m so thankful I have the prophet to know what is right and wrong because his commandments ultimately trump your own interpretations of things. Your words are sowing doubts in others with an impact on so many from your place of influence that you may never know until the next life your impact in leading others to leave the church or break their covenants.
I see your perspective, however her post actually makes me want to go back to church. I don’t feel the need to wear garments and have felt closer to god as I haven’t worn them, I believed it was an all or nothing and am going to attend my local ward on Sunday and continue not wearing garments.
Everyone is held accountable for their own actions. Those who “leave the church or break their covenants” after reading a blog post, will be held accountable for themselves. This will not be held over Amber’s head at all. That’s the beauty of agency. In the story of the ten virgins in the New Testament, the 5 who had oil in their lamps were not held accountable for the 5 who did not (even after they asked for help). It’s the same for today- we will be held accountable for our own decisions and choices. And how wonderful it is that we have personal revelation and prayer so that we can receive answers for ourselves. So please, don’t comment something like this to make her feel less of herself and perhaps make you feel validated in where you stand in the religion. Whether you agree or not, be kind and understand that everyone is different and thank goodness we all are.
Where is your empathy?? Yikes.
Actually it’s very much these types of comments that sow doubt for me and millions of others. When nobody is ever allowed to give something thought on their own, it makes you wonder why. What’s so scary about people finding their own path? That’s only scary if your beliefs are based on some sort of command-and-control thing. Jesus didn’t require his followers to wear special underwear.
Actually it’s people like you who make me not want to become active in the church again. Not Amber. Think again.
Hey Amber! I love that you are sharing this. Right now I am in the process of converting to Judaism from Christianity and everything that you mentioned that you wished for in religion honestly I see a lot in Judaism! What I love most about Judaism is it encourages religious freedom of thought and welcomes probing spiritual questions. It’s amazing! I’m so proud of you for being brave and putting these thoughts out there. I’m sure so many in your community also have the same thoughts and feelings! Keep it going girl <3
Amanda
I agree with some of the things you said. People do need to stop judging others. Other people’s life decisions are literally none of anyone else’s business and we were given agency for a reason. Here’s where we differ though. You either believe the prophet is a prophet or you don’t. I believe the gospel is true and perfect but the people aren’t so I stay in the church because I believe it is true, despite imperfect people. I also can agree with you about open discussion however I disagree with wanting to change things to take away my own guilt. For instance, I choose to swear even though I know I’m not supposed to and I sometimes feel badly about it. I don’t feel like doctrine should change so that my guilt can go away though because that’s not how truth works, truth is true whether you believe and practice it or not. Hope you can make peace with your battle!
I think you can believe the prophet is a prophet and that the prophet is human and can make mistakes. As far as I can tell, that’s the only way to reconcile inconsistencies in prophets’ teachings throughout the years.
Speaking for myself, I believe the gospel is true and perfect. I also believe in continuing revelation and see that corrections have been made to what was believed to be doctrine in the past. I genuinely don’t believe God judges those who spoke out against incorrect principles being taught, even when they were being taught by prophets.
Not trying to change your mind, just hoping to offer some new perspective. Love and light your way!
Love this!
I’m born and raised Catholic, but no longer go to church because of several bad experiences. I pray every night asking God to protect my family and I also talk to God a lot on my own time. I don’t believe one has to be in a brick-and-mortar or wear specific clothing to be close to or be accepted by God.
Self righteous people who judge others need to step back and take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask themselves why they’re questioning others.
LOVE THIS!!!!
Thank you for sharing this!! Couldn’t agree more. Let’s focus on loving and showing kindness to everyone regardless of where they are spiritually…I think we would all be a lot happier! 💗
Love these posts amber! I so badly want to have these open discussions. I have found a couple women in my life to talk openly with and its been so nice to openly share these concerns. I would love to have an open discussion with you ❤ something that has helped me not feel so alone is listening to podcasts! I really like Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. Also check out the podcast “At Last She Said It” episode 27: its not about the clothes. Soooo eye opening and I found myself saying “yes exactly!!” The whole time. Love love loved it! Thanks for the post amber! I find them very respectful and open minded ❤
LOVE THIS! ❤️
I resonate so much with this. While I am not Mormon, I am Catholic, I have been turned off by my church for numerous reasons. One of the main ones is what you described as people who look down on you for not doing religion how they do religion. You have worded that so perfectly and I completely agree. Why can’t we disagree with some elements of our faith. Why does it have to be so black and white. And people judge you so hardcore if you don’t practice and believe everything they do. Unfortunately some of the most judgey mean spirited people I have met in my life have been devote Catholics or devote Christians. They are so invested in being right that a lot of the times they alienate people and act opposite how Christ teaches. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. If church was more open and honest I would be open to attending it again because I really do think that religion can be so beautiful yet it’s used to create a lot of ugly.
Cannot agree more with everything you said and your whole perspective. My husband and I got married during Covid on 10/24/20 at a wedding venue I work at. My MIL kept nagging us to get married in a church (hubby cant say no to mama) and I’m not religious anymore because it just wasn’t for me…So she goes behind our backs, speaks to her priest after mass one Sunday and then tells us that her priest is going to reach out to us to plan a ceremony….EVEN THOUGH WE ALREADY HAD THE CEREMONY WE WANTED. To me, I was speechless/angry/felt betrayed, I literally could not process what was happening because it was so absurd to me. No one in my family would ever think of going behind your kid or siblings back and pressure them to do something they don’t want to.
Some people have said “just make your MIL happy and do a stupid little ceremony in the church, like who cares?” My argument is, it’s not her life. PERIOD. She may be able to get away with telling my husband what to do in certain situations but she is not in charge of me whatsoever. I don’t like being told what to do in the first place but her constant nagging about being involved in the church has made it very difficult to have a close relationship with her.
I’m clearly worked up about this and I don’t think I will ever get over it. We did wind up having a 10 min church ceremony in November and I regret every second of it because it wasn’t happy. I was annoyed and frustrated the whole time, and my husband knew it. He knows now that he is the one who has to tell his mom NO, and that its now OUR life and OUR decisions we will make, without any input from anyone else.
Amber, this article took my feelings and put it into words perfectly. YOU DO YOU GIRL!
Hey Amber!
Thank you so much for sharing! Recently I’ve been watching so many Mormon podcast stories and it seems like a lot of the things you expressed are common! Have you by any chance read the CES letters? They are worth the read! Many Mormons are actually surprised by a lot of things when they read them!
Thank you for sharing a part 2 of this Amber – I’m sure you are getting mixed reactions but what you are sharing is very valuable and needs to be said. Each of us create a relationship with God and how we develop and practice that friendship will (and should) be different. You should be very proud in how you and David are leading your family, your children will have an excellent image in how to love and follow their God in an authentic way. Don’t let anything hold you back from asking more questions!
everything I’ve ever heard about mormonism i think misses the point of Jesus greatly. Every time i read and re-read your church posts it just makes me want to tell you about the Jesus I know from the bible. There is so much freedom in Jesus. “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Jesus Christ, who walk not after the flesh, but after the spirit.” ROMANS 8:1 the point is that we as human beings aren’t good enough we are never righteous we don’t have to be on our religious A-game every second, BUT literally none of that matters to God!! Jesus is righteous. Jesus is enough. Jesus is the epitome of goodness, and because he came and died for us – we have a chance to be in heaven with Him! I know you’ve probably heard that before and maybe even a version of it is taught in the mormon church, but i have noticed a theme in mormonism that religion kills relationships and i just want to throw out there that the God I serve and the Jesus of the Holy Bible is ALL about relationships and not at all about religion. Religion has turned more people away than anything. Religion breeds shame, religion breeds division, religion breeds unrighteous judgement. Relationship with Jesus shows you your worth, Jesus desires you, Jesus loves you, God is the only one able to judge you. Don’t get me wrong, not all aspects of religion are bad. But what’s most important is relationships. Relationships with your family, relationships with other believers, and most importantly, your relationship with God the father God the son and God the holy spirit.
Righteousness only comes from God. We aren’t inherently righteous, we can do righteous acts, but by definition righteousness only comes from the person whom in sinless and just.
Love this!!!
Yes Glenna! You made me think of a quote from CS Lewis I absolutely love: “The Christian does not believe God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.” SO TRUE. I think this is in Lewis’ book “Mere Christianity” which I cannot recommend enough!!!
Excellent comment.
Yes Glenna!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Such good questions and really keen insights. I appreciate your thoughts, they help in knowing that I’m far from alone in my experiences.
LOVE this mama. There should be ZERO shame in the church. Jesus doesn’t want shame, he paid for all shame. Satan is the only one who fights for us to have shame. What you’re describing you want is Jesus! Jesus in the Bible. The one that goes back 2000 years ago when he was alive. He’s 100% grace and mercy and the Bible says the ONLY way to get to heaven is by a genuine belief in and relationship with Jesus. THATS IT. No works. No crazy testimony. No requirements. Just to love Jesus. I was burned by the church for drinking on my birthday. It took a minute to shake it off and ultimately stop going to that group because I went to the Bible to see what God’s word actually said, not what human beings say. And nowhere in the Bible does it say I can’t have a drink on my birthday. Therefore, that’s a man made rule, man made shame, and nothing that Jesus told me not to do. So bye Felicia to that! Haha I believe in Jesus and the Bible. Not religion. I will always teach my kids to not strive to be “religious” Jesus was so angry at the “religious, prideful, righteousness” Pharisees when he was alive. He loved and found so much joy in those who simply listened to him and loved him wholeheartedly! That’s our example!
Honey, I grew up southern Baptist and at this point in my life I know that the only interaction that matters is if I can look the lord in the eye and feel good and truthful saying “I never hurt or judged anyone else on purpose and tried my best so let me in those pearly gates” 😆 At the end of the day it is your relationship with your God, not anyone elses.
Thank you for your post! I grew up in the church but have since left being married (for 6.5 years). I should honestly see a therapist. My husband came home early from his mission and the shame was very intense and the side affects still affect him to this day. My bishop at the time told me if my boyfriend didn’t go back on his mission, the lord would withhold blessings and something bad might happen such as losing a baby one day. WTF! I remember going through the temple the first time totally and utterly unprepared (even after a temple prep class). I’ve never gone back. Especially as new bride, I totally felt unsexy, frumpy, and restricted. Should I really put up with that the rest of my life because it’s what I’m “supposed to do”. My husband originally wanted to wear them in front of family and church (goes back to shame) but when we finally moved away we were able to figure out what we believed in. People will even judge me for this simple and honest response but no one seemed to care about what my bishop told me about withholding blessings, when I was told I was not worthy to give talks or prayers while going through the repentance process, when my seminary teacher failed me because I was always 10 minutes late because I had to drop my 2 siblings off at school while my dad worked out of town and my mom had to be at work early too. No once seemed to mind that I was super uncomfortable in the garments, or that maybe I wasn’t ready but had to be since I was getting married at 18 or that my family wouldn’t have supported a non-temple wedding. In church history, people fled from religious persecution but in modern day, we are fleeing from persecution from religion.
Late to the gym because I saw you posted and couldn’t wait lol SO GOOD. I’ve been struggling with all of these things this past year and it helps me so much to see that it works for people. Thank you Amber🤍🤍
I enjoyed reading this, just like the last post. I agree with your comments about so much in our culture, people love to judge others and compare themselves to others to make themselves feel better, oh I wear my garments, oh I don’t have that many piercings etc. People and friends I’ve meet from other religions over the years are no where near as judgy as many LDS members I know. I get everyone is trying to make themselves better/ live a certain way- religious or not. I love that you said family over anything too. And yes, who cares about how someone else is living their life! Focus on yours. Christ knows the true intent of our hearts.
Took the words right out of my mouth. We don’t all fit into the same box. What I wear (or don’t wear) under my clothes is the least interesting thing about me, and frankly, nobody’s business. In what other religion would anyone ask you about your underwear?!?!?! And choosing religion over family was spot on. Never will I ever. Thank you for being so candid.
Thank you for this post 💕 It makes me sad to see that even in the comments, some people still don’t get how much easier it is to have the “I love you and respect you – you do you perspective.” Like have a little humanity and compassion for others! Letting people live their truth, especially when it’s different than yours, doesn’t mean you aren’t standing up for what you believe in. Like why do we get so judgmental and defensive of our church instead of being a friend and and just normal, supportive and chill?? As a fellow Mormon and Christian, I believe that my job is to be kind and understanding, everything else is up to God, thank goodness!! ❤️
Amber, I think the Holy Spirit is stirring in your heart to show you a truth like no other… and I think it’s going to be amazing when you find it. Keep being you and keep being kind and good and loving and being the hands and feet of Jesus. Laws and rules set by man are what Jesus came to free us from. He fulfilled the law and we only need redemption through Him – not through priests, or people, not through works, or missions, or garments or anything like that. And the beauty of His heart is that He will keep on loving you NO MATTER WHAT…. it is not conditional. You can’t be excommunicated from it bc you are a part of His family. Keep exploring, keep asking questions… I think you’re doing an amazing job at life 🙌🏻
I want to shout this from roof tops!!! Thank you for the open dialogue, specifics, uncomfortable details. This is how we change.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I love your content and have followed your family since Atticus was a baby. When you said that not every religion is going to work for each person—are you implying that every religion is true? Truth is exclusive. It’s not logically possible for all religions to be right when their core claims differ so radically. Either they are all wrong, or one is right. God cannot both exist and not exist. There cannot be one God who exists as one person (Islam) and one God who exists as three persons (Christianity). Just food for thought.
And to answer your question about what we see as being righteous—righteousness (on the outside at least) is someone who acts like the God of the Bible. A loving, caring person who shares the gospel and seeks to honor Him in every area of their life.
100% agree. I grew up as a Pastor’s kid and 75% of males in my extended family were pastors. Some family look down on me because I don’t go to the same sub-religion of church as them (mind you it’s still Christianity but it’s non-denomination). Honestly being in my 20’s I’ve been traveling so much and moving I don’t have a consistent church I’m involved in. So frustrating when family asks why I don’t devote my entire life to being involved in a church because I’m out exploring the world and what it has to offer.
I am so sorry if this comes off weird but why tf would anyone ask if someone is wearing their ”garments” I understand it’s part of the religion but that still seems so personal. Like we don’t go around asking people if they’re wearing underwear and bras. That’s such a weird thing to ask or assume. I definitely agree people need to just chill and worry about themselves. People should be concerned with people’s HEARTS and not what is or isnt underneath their clothing. I also think that’s why it shouldn’t ever be about “religion” and should be more about relationship. I think when people focus on the religion aspect, they lose focus on Jesus and we should be pursuing him, not the opinions and likes and acceptance of other people.
Garments are different than underwear and bras, as they are like more “pajama like”. For women, the are essentially a capped sleeve top and biker short length bottoms. So, if wearing shorter clothing, it’s more noticeable. I believe someone would be more opted to ask if it’s very apparent they aren’t wearing them. Definitely not in agreeing anyone should ask, but I thought I would but into context why someone be prompted to!
I love this! I’m a member and love the gospel too much to ever leave, but I’ve also learned things that forced me to relearn how to be a Latter Day Saint and still be authentically me. The grey area way of thinking has brought me so much peace. I used to feel so much fear whenever I’d learn something unsavory about church history because with couldn’t just explain it away. Learning to be okay with not believing everything (🙋🏻♀️Cafeteria Mormon!) and still having a strong relationship with God and Christ on my own terms has grown my testimony so much more.
Also the comment saying God doesn’t tolerate sin is about the most wrong thing I’ve ever heard haha. We ALL pick and choose which commandments were going to follow because we all sin! I read in a talk recently that just like any loving parent, God gives us many many many ways to “make it”. To me that means that God isn’t going to keep anyone out of any level of heaven because they didn’t wear their garments. That’s so silly!! Would a parent give their child an eternal consequence because they didn’t wear their garments, came out as anything other than straight, or any other thing the church views as a sin worthy of eternal consequences? That’s the end of my rant, but similar to what you said, it makes no sense to me to think that God would judge and punish us in a more unforgiving way than we would judge and punish our own children.
You should listen to ‘Mormon Stories’ podcast, I think you would enjoy it!
This line is everything 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻: What exactly IS righteousness then? Is it gossiping about who is righteous and who is no longer righteous?
I had an upbringing with some similarities (Catholic) and although I no longer practice, I think about a well-known story from the Bible often. A woman was about to be stoned for adultery and Jesus said, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” No one did. No one could because none of them (none of us) are without faults. My experience growing up in the church and attending a small Catholic was the opposite of this. I remember walking up the altar to receive an award for academic excellence when I was like 12 years old and being so proud of myself, only to get detention from one of my teachers because it was then she decided my uniform skirt was too short and I must have been hiking it up “to get the boys’ attention.” The mothers in the church were the least Christ-like people I have ever known. They gossiped and excluded and when they had the opportunity to help someone out, they pushed them down further.
At some point the (sometimes outdated, meaningless, and oppressive- sometimes being the key word) culture and customs and traditions of the church became synonymous with righteousness. If Karen goes to church every Sunday and is on a first name basis with the priest and church socialites and puts money in the donation basket, she is righteous. And the ones who are truly interacting with and growing in their faith, who ask questions, who follow the customs and traditions that help them grow in their faith rather than follow ALL of them meaninglessly, are not righteous. At some point, authenticity in faith got lost. Billions of people are going through the motions and wearing the symbols and donating the money and listening to sermons/gospels/readings but not reflecting on how they apply to their own lives. There is so much focus on what to do and what to wear and what to say in order to be righteous and not enough on how to actually become righteous and say righteous words and do righteous acts when no one but God is watching.
YES! So much yes to all of this. “More authenticity and less judgment”…that is the church I want to belong to. Thank you for leading the way!
SAME! 🙂 xo
I totally respect you for questioning things that just don’t seem right. A lot of people just do things not even knowing why they do it or don’t believe 100% in it but do it because that’s the rule. You will receive judgment from people in any religion because a church is made up of a bunch of imperfect people. There is no perfect church. But there is a perfect God and that’s who we should only strive to please. I just don’t understand why stay in a religion that someone doesn’t fully agree with everything? Honest question. Why not follow something that you wholeheartedly agree with?
There are some things I don’t believe and some I do and I don’t think there is any religion out there where I am going to accept and believe every single thing and I think I just need to be with the one that feels right for me and my family. And I am personally okay not believing everything and still taking it for what it is – something that fulfills me and brings me closer to God. I will teach my kids they can question anything they want and find answers and it is also okay if they never find the answers. It is okay to feel confused about details but I just hope that they feel peace knowing their heavenly parents love them. So far this religion has brought me that specific peace despite me questioning some of it. The rest is all cultural stuff that I hope continues to change.
I can agree with that. But I guess it depends what it is. At the Christian church I grew up they would practice the feet washing ceremony during the communion service and to me i don’t necessarily agree that it’s necessary and personally don’t participate. It’s like an old religious tradition. But what matters is the meaning behind it and you can show that same humble, servant actions in different ways in our times. The basic principals just shouldn’t be compromised no matter what the method. Just reminds me of the garments for you. It’s so interesting your point of view and experience being from another religion! Truly fascinating. Thanks for sharing!
I relate so much to these posts, even growing up in a different denomination. For us it was whether or not you cut your hair and dressed modestly – notice, always things that applies only to the women. I was tall, so dresses I liked were never long enough to be what the adults considered “appropriate” and my hair (still never cut) stopped growing just below my shoulders, so everyone always assumed I cut it and was therefore cast from the sight of God (said sarcastically, but I think they really believed that was true). I felt I never stood a chance at being as ‘faithful’ as others until I realized their faith wasn’t what I wanted for my own. Jesus came to bring life, light and hope. That’s the work I am about now and am raising my kids into, not petty assumptions or judgments of other human beings who are all just as broken and just as in need of grace and love as I am. Sending love to you & your beautiful family!
I love this so much!!!! “their faith wasn’t what I wanted for my own” xo love it so much
Googled “Mormon garments”… I can’t. As an outsider I see this and I am so freaked out. It seems so twisted and controlling. I believe religion was created to create law and order before there was actual law and order… I am all for having a spiritual relationship with yourself and whatever you believe… but you lose me when you start feeling like you can decide what type of underwear people can or cannot wear.
I admire you for speaking out and going to therapy. You are seriously beyond talented when it comes to Instagram, clothes, etc. and you seem like an amazing mother. THAT’S what’s important.
I think that’s one of the cultural things that she’s saying she’s hoping will change. I can’t speak for her, but I was taught that my experience with garments was between me and God. If I took whatever decision I had made to God in prayer and felt right about it, then that’s all that mattered. I think a lot of people are taught something much more strict, and that comes down to different parenting styles, the workers in the temples beliefs who helped them on the day they got their garments, bishops, etc. It all varies so much and I wish we could all collectively agree to teach about garments with the idea centralized behind it being between the person and God.
Garments aren’t meant to make you feel controlled. The religion doesn’t force you to wear anything. That’s why Amber chooses not to wear them. She isn’t “kicked out” of the church because she doesn’t wear them. Garments are worn as a symbol and reminder of your commitment to God. It’s for you and God ONLY and that’s why it’s worn under clothes. If it was for others to know and recognize it would be worn on the outside for others to see. And (I believe) that’s what Amber is trying to explain. That some people feel the need to involve themselves in this duo. For example, when people would notice that she wasn’t wearing garments they immediately assumed where she “stood” with God. Which is wrong since the purpose of them are for only you and God personally. She’s trying to communicate how people in the church have shifted that view. And neither God or the religion wants that, but it’s what happens. I hope that brings some clarification. It may seem odd that people wear them, but it’s supposed to be a personal reminder of God when you wear them. And other people choose to have that reminder each day elsewhere with something else.
I wish I could delete my comment! The other two follow up comments weren’t posted. I think because somebody commented about another religions garments. I don’t think that there is enough place to have a proper conversation and I think my beliefs are getting misinterpreted because I made a quick comment and didn’t elaborate further and it comes across a different way than I intended it to. I really do respect and believe that people should have whatever relationship with God and religion they would like to have. I just struggle with other people telling others they are less than because they practice and believe in a different way. I do respect people’s decisions to wear their garments. And I only felt like it was a tool to control people because as an example this women felt the need to point out that Amber wasn’t wearing hers.
Oh totally! No I get where you are coming from. It is unsettling and wrong when others use it as a tool to judge and control. And it’s so so sad that it happens. Don’t even worry about your comment, you’re totally fine!
I’ve always felt that God knows our individual hearts and that is the most important thing that matters. You can be the best at practicing traditions and attending church, but have a judgmental, hurting soul. I just hope everyone, including you, finds peace with they’re own relationship with God. After all church/temple is just an establishment. God’s wonder is everywhere.
Love this Amber!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings in such an open and candid way. I am not Mormon but I love your views on how we should love and accept each other the way Christ accepts us. And I totally agree, family is what God calls us to the prioritize more than anything else, just from the content you share I can see how much you take that calling to heart.
Omg please do a part 3. These post are the most real GENUINE content I have ever seen on any blog. Thank you THANK YOU🙏🥺
From a fellow introvert with 25+ years on you…you are a very wise, brave, and thoughtful woman, Amber! I admire your honesty and insight, and feel like I am constantly learning from you! Keep doing you…your voice is inspiring!
I am not LDS/mormon, however, this rings true for so many churches. I am so happy I am not alone. Thank you!
The wearing of the garment shows a person’s commitment to follow the commandments and standards of the church. People are going to make a judgement about others’ commitment to the gospel. People (including you) make these kinds of judgements about people everyday. For example, you’re judging people that you say are judging you… What I got from this is basically that you want to pick and choose which commandments you want to live. Yes, we’re taught that our worth as a person will never change, BUT that doesn’t mean that God tolerates sin.
I understand that and what I am saying is, perhaps I am not as committed as you? But what does it matter, right? I am doing my thing and you’re doing yours and how I do mine doesn’t affect how you do yours and vice versa. I am happy with my level of commitment to the version of the Heavenly Father that I believe in. Because the version I believe in would know my heart and that I am just as worthy and special as you or anyone who wears their garments everyday. And yes I guess I am judging people who make misogynistic comments to me and they have every right to write a blog post saying “stop telling me to stop making misogynist comments”
The moral of this post is “to each their own, mind your own business and find your own happiness”.
Yes amber!! Yes!!!!🙌🏼 Love this post and your extremely healthy outlook! You are just so fantastic and well rounded. Your positivity and voice are changing so many lives for the better!
Amber, I think what you are missing here is that your literal job title is “Influencer.” When you say that your actions and example regarding The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has no impact on others you are gravely mistaken. There are young men and women reading your blog posts and watching your feed daily. Your choices and thoughts influence them in a very real way. When you publicly denounce commandments from Jesus Christ and parade broken covenants you’ve made with the Lord, you are not making a positive impact on others.
I will go ahead and replace “parade broken covenants” with “me doing what is right for me and my relationship with God” .. we agree to disagree xo
You mention a few times in your posts and to comments that you want to live religion your way but I haven’t seen you mention that you want to live religion God’s way. If your intention is to develop a strong relationship with your Heavenly Father, He has set up a format as He’s said for the most successful way to grow close to Him. But it seems like you’re avoiding that way. Why is that?
I love this. I truly believe more people need to start focusing on themselves and what is right for them rather than worrying about others! You ARE making a positive impact by showing it’s okay to do what YOU feel is right for YOU.
Best answer. I love that you stand strong in your beliefs and what is in your heart and that is the best and most inclusive way to lead by example for your children first and foremost AND for the millions following you as in “influencer” as it was put above. However, your job title may be influencer but that doesn’t mean you have control over the free will of those “young followers”. That’s a ridiculous amount of pressure to put on someone and I sincerely hope you know that your words here set a wonderful and loving and inclusive example. Humans are meant to question things and especially major organized religions that don’t have the best track record when it comes to inclusion and love for alllllll God’s creatures. Keep sharing!
There is literally no commandment in the Bible under the 10 commandments that says to wear garments. I assure you, God loves her no matter what
Exactly. And to the person who said Amber is doing religion her way and not God’s way— I think that is one of the fundamental issues Amber is highlighting here. There are people who believe that their holy book is God’s word verbatim and that the officiant of the mass is a perfect role model and that somehow humans—imperfect humans— have managed to translate God’s plan perfectly into an organized religion/their church. I don’t want I put words in Amber’s mouth but it seems like she believes in the same God Elaina and Whit does, but does not necessarily believe that everything the earthly church practices is HIS WILL AND PLAN. How did she come to this conclusion? Through reflection and discussion and real introspection into her relationship with God. This is between her and God. Neither Whit’s way or Amber’s is the right way. Amber isn’t trying to tell anyone how to live. Whit is shaming Amber for the way she lives.
Besties Sage and Elaina I have an uncle that literally went to a Mexican strip club to cheat on his wife while wearing his garments. Talk about a parade of broken covenants. Imagine being asked to keep a secret on a family vacation like that LOL. After seeing that take place, I have learned that garments never portray what’s really going on inside someone. I’m bummed you’re using your voices as daughters of Heavenly Father to shame others. I don’t really see amber portraying anything I would worry about my young people seeing but maybe I just don’t expect everyone in my TL to follow the covenants I personally made… hope you both have chosen to have a better day going forward.❤️
Nowhere in the Bible does it say to wear some kind of garment 24/7 or ever. That is not a sin. That’s a man made rule to control the audience and cast shame. And it’s probably making God so angry for people to go around saying “He would bless you more if you wore this on your body.” He absolutely does not bless according to a material object. The Bible says that God knows your heart and he blesses his children. A garment doesn’t make you his child.
100% agree !
Yes!!! I was reading Colossians today and in chapter 2, Paul writes to the Church of Colossae telling them about man made rules. Verse 23 saying, “These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting a self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of flesh.” Thanks for speaking truth, Brie!!
I think much of the problem is everyone thinks they are right and they alone are right or their church alone is right. This is true of most Christian churches… it’s taught there is one way to get to heaven, one very specific path to redemption, and everyone else is wrong and needs to be saved. Like you said, very back and white thinking when literally nothing in life is binary or simple. What’s interesting to me is that anyone tapped into any religion or spiritual practice is doing the exact same thing and just calling it different things. Feeling the spirit is intuition, prayer is manifesting, the universe is god and vice versa, karma is you reap what you sow. The problem is humans are messy and ego driven, and fear and shame are powerful drugs. But as you pointed out, there is space for us all! And it’s ok if all of our truths look different, it’s actually a good thing. Thanks for sharing your truth and being so open 🙂
Love love this post!!! I never understood why anyone cares what kind of underwear the person next to them is wearing. And how being so judgemental is coincided with being christlike?
I loved this as much as I loved the last post. I felt this way for many years until one day I realized that I was sooo envious of people who didn’t have to be Mormon because it was making my life miserable, I felt like I couldn’t be my true self. I literally couldn’t imagine sharing the gospel because I didn’t want to inflict the lifestyle or shame on anyone else. This is coming from someone who was literally a missionary haha. I stumbled upon the gospel topic essays on the church’s website and read every single one along with the sources they cited. It made me realized that my values didn’t actually align with what the church was founded on. What was good about the church, was not unique & could be found elsewhere. And what was unique about the church, was not good. It was the toughest decision of my life because it’s so interwoven with family and social life. It’s buried deep within you if you grew up Mormon. If anyone says an ex mormon took the easy way out I can promise you they are wrong. It was absolutely the more difficult path. But the freedom I felt to truly be myself, figure out what my actual true beliefs were, and freedom to explore any path or ask any question made all the pain worth it. I always thought anyone who left the church was bitter or lived miserable lives. And while there are some like this, I’ve now met so many beautiful and amazing people who have no desire to judge or take anyone away from the church. I truly feel so much relief and freedom and happiness. And I only wish good for those who choose to stay in the church. I hope there can be more of a bridge built between those who leave and stay and everything in between. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Amber! I hope to see more!
“What was good about the church, was not unique & could be found elsewhere. And what was unique about the church, was not good.” EXACTLY! Your response was so thoughtful and really hit the nail on the head for me. Thanks for sharing <3
THIS! I left the church a couple of years ago, it was so hard and to some level shameful, but there’s so much hate, judgment and mistreatment in the church that make oneself question a lot of things. It is so sad really, the hate and judgment that happens within members of the church and how bitter they are. I can even say fake, people would talk badly about certain family members and when they came close to them to say hi, they would entirely change an be so hypocrite. I still remember the last Sunday I spent in church, how a sister was spreading hate AS A FREAKING TEACHING towards different people, in these case queer people. Me, at the time I had recently gotten out of the “closet” felt so attacked and hated. People talk and judge without any little type of knowledge. Personally, for me, since I can remember I have always been queer, is not something I decided to be one day. It was always there, but I was always afraid and ashamed of myself for being like that. There are a lot of teachings that I never agreed on, and when one grows up one realizes a lot of things that just don’t “click” , don’t agree on, or don’t even believe it to be that way. Sometimes the best decision one can take is to choose themselves and remove all the factors that were dragging oneself. I will always be greatful for the gospel and being able to find and love God, that faith saved me. But a lot of members need to stop and take a real hard look at themselves, because they have to be hurting to be so hateful and judgmental towards other humans. They need to learn to live and let others live, while minding their own business and letting all the judging to the Lord.
I had a terrible middle school experience when my catholic family moved to a Mormon city. I had never been bullied, harassed, or talked badly about before we moved there, and it was absolutely torturous. Who were the meanest girls behind the bullying? The Mormon girls. Now I look back and realize they must’ve had terrible examples in their life and were just following what they’d been taught, which breaks my
heart even more.
We all use all kinds of visible cues to help us understand what’s going on with people… members of the LDS faith take this to another level by watching for garments, piercings etc… and you’re so right. Those engrained impulses have got to stop. Along with SO many other learned behaviors and judgements. I thought this was well stated and thought out. Well done (again) girl. 💜
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Letting people say “I don’t know that!” Ugh I love that. Both ways! Stop demanding people who left for answers… they don’t owe them to you! And stop asking people who attend church to defend every little thing!! Sometimes we don’t know and that has to be okay! Our only job here is to love. Literally that’s it. Jesus does the rest. Hope you’re feeling loved and supported after posting. I think your family is wonderful!
Thanks so so much for sharing this, Amber! 💖 Loved your first post about church snd this one complemented the first! 🙏🏻☺️
i love all your thoughts so much
Beautifully written! So respectful! And just thanks! You are great and I think you are a light on social media, just keeping things real and being you!
Keep being true to yourself and family.
💗💗💗
love this and love you. very relatable and eye opening, thank you for sharing!
So good. Your first post made me feel so seen. I could have written every word. I just had a “faith crossroads” recently, stopped wearing my garments, and started to really ponder what different aspects of the church meant to me. I’ve taken a bit of a break. Now I feel ready to dive into my spirituality again, but with a different perspective. I look forward to finding out how I connect with God as an individual without the preset structures and methods of the church. I still consider myself a member but I crave a personalized relationship with God and my Savior. Still figuring it out. Thank you for sharing your heart!!
Also, that screenshot…internalized misogyny at its finest…just awful.
Love. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing!
I love this, thank you for sharing!
Great points!! I feel like people who judge are wasting a lot of energy on that instead of living a full and wonderful life. It takes so much more energy to judge others. Whenever I disagree with someone my mom always says to me “would you rather be right or happy? And nine times out of 10 it’s always I’d rather be happy. You do you and I’ll do me mentality!! Also you’re a wonderfully gifted writer, it’s not always easy to write about some thing that’s difficult to talk about.
THANK YOU SO MUCH